What's a parent to do?

[mneville277]

We told our girls a few days ago that I will be deployed for a period of time that includes the entirety of the next season. Our oldest (10yo) thought about it for a while and came back to us saying that she doesn't want to play if I'm not here - it would make her miss me too much as ball has always been "our thing". This is not our first deployment (but our first through the season), and she assures us she still loves the game and would definitely play if I were here.

I have always told them that I will never force them to play if they lose interest in the game - we will walk away no harm, no foul. I have also told them that I do not want them altering their schedules or routines based on the life that I chose - it is what will get them through those times and makes it pass faster. It seems like I've been caught here though, to enforce/deliver on one I feel like I have to renege on the other.

I have not told her that seeing videos and pictures of them leading life as usual helps me, knowing that all is well and they have adjusted. Makes me feel as normal as possible in that situation; but I will not tell her this. She would play then, but not for herself, and she is the only person she should play for.

So - how in the world do I handle this? I don't want her playing if it makes her unhappy to do so, but I don't want her regretting the decision to sit out. Her younger sister is still going to play, which may make her regret the decision and change her mind after it's too late to do anything about it. Obviously there is some time to deal with this, but the more time she has to get comfortable with a decision, the more committed to it she is.

Anyone have words of advice or wisdom from a similar situation?

 

[Sparky Guy]

First thing. Thanks for keeping us safe at home here.

I have never been in the military so I can't speak to the family dynamics when being deployed. The only thing I can offer is to let your DD know that it helps you get through the long days hearing about her success and failures on the ball field as well as everything else she does. It's what makes her who she is as a person. Let her know you don't want her to alter herself and the things she loves for anyone, including yourself. I think she may be looking for "permission" to play ball when you're not there. Let her know you'll want to share it all with her when you get back.

 

[T.J.]

Thank you for your dedication to the Military….you and all the Men and Women in this board! I’ve often wondered you how you manage it all…you’re truly special folks.

It’s all your dedication, sweat, hard work and heart breaking years that give us the comfort to enjoy our lives and the opportunities we choose. One of those enjoyments is softball.

Perhaps you can explain to your daughter that serving in the Military allows her and all her friends to enjoy these types of opportunities…it’s your job that makes so much of this possible, and available to us all. SG might have a point…she might be looking for you to say…”it’s okay…I want you to play”.

Right now her choice is probably “reactionary” to the news. She’s young and doesn’t know how to process, comprehend and manage the news. We all know as the year passes she will have wished she signed up to play.

If it will help her…tell her your DW will send you constant updates, pics and some video clips of her softball time. She doesn’t need to know it will help you too, but it might comfort her to know you will not be totally absent from her softball.

For one year, this will be your family structure and I’m sure there will be other challenges along the way; not just softball. She’s only 10…help her know that you would never want her stop doing the things any 10 year old would do; or especially stop doing the things she enjoys most…because of your job.

The love, family values and compassion you all have for each other and life will help with it all I’m sure.

Other than this, I'm not sure what to say. I can't relate to your situation at all, nor can I pretend to know what you and all our Military Families go through. I just count my blessings and include you all in my prayers.

Sincerely,

TJ

 

[maksoftball]

Thank you for your service and dedication for our country.

In addition to saying "It's okay I want you to play", you could also add "I look forward to seeing how much you have grown on and off the field". Also, you could say that her playing on the field should bring back good memories and make her feel good. I also agree with PP saying that it could be a "reactionary" response to the news. With time, she may still want to play...just don't give up on it...if that is what she truly wants to do.

 

[Momo'sDad]

Thanks for what truly is a remarkable sacrifice.

You made me sad this morning, but it's a healthy sadness. I love your daughter's protest spirit. Attitudes like hers are going to help us get to a more peaceful world someday. I also love how considerate you are of her feelings while also being respectful of her ability to make choices on her own. I wish more parents were like that.

Before you go, buy her a GoPro cam, tell her she's *your* hero, and ask her to teach Mommy how to work it so that you'll be able to watch ALL her games.

 

[Bigclubswinger]

Wow. Thanks for your sacrifice. This is a tough one and I'm not sure what your deployment entails but is there anyway that softball could still be "your thing" while you are deployed. Could someone video her at-bats or something and share them with you so you all could talk about them when you have the opportunity? You could tell her how much you love watching her play and find some way to continue to see her?

Edit: It took me a few minutes to get the post done and Momo weighed in with a similar option above. I agree. Find a way to still share the game you love together if possible.

 

[canyonjoe]

First off, Thank you for your sacrifice.

I would talk to her and explain how you will miss them, but how much you will enjoy hearing about her games. Ask her to email you after each one to tell you about it.

If possible have someone use Iscore or Gamechanger to keep you up to date on the games. I do it for our team and parents and grandparents that are away are very grateful to get the updates.

In the end though you are a lucky guy and seem to have a great daughter. Stay safe.

 

[NorthMS]

Thank you for your service. We need to hear stories like this to keep the sacrifice y'all give in the front of our minds.

As to the situation, explain to her that seeing her live her normal life helps you. If SHE wants to play, that it's good for you. Make sure she knows that her playing for YOU will not help. She's probably emotional right now. Give her some time.

End the end, it's softball. You have a DD that thinks so much of you that she ties you to a game she loves. That's great!!!

Stay safe and get back to your family. If you don't mind, please keep us updated as you can.

Thanks again.

 

[BobInMadison]

Thank you for your service.

The most important lesson from all of this is you have a daughter who loves you and who will miss you, maybe even as much as you will miss her. Also, it is NOT easy for her to be away from you, especially during a time when she would be doing something she loves to do with you.

Some folks have come up with great ideas about how to make this a thing for the two of you even when you are not around. That gives you some great ideas as to how to approach the issue. BUT, every discussion you have with her needs to be based on what is going through her mind. She is young. This all seems greatly UNFAIR to her, and she may be rebelling against a situation she thinks is UNFAIR.

It may be unfair, she also respects you for your service and for honoring your sworn oath.

The good side is, as others have pointed out, you have a great daughter.

I sincerely hope you return safe and sound.

 

[Eric F]

Thank you for your service and sacrifice for our country. I wish you a safe journey and quick return.

Like others, I'm in the camp of encouraging her to keep playing, and there has been lots of good wisdom shared already. There are lots of ways to approach the situation, and you know your DD better than any of us. Good luck - to both of you.