kids crying wolf

[coach james]

I recently picked up a new asst coach for my 14u tb team. One of my girls decides she doesnt like him for unknown reasons (all she says is its a gut feeling), and starts spreading the word to the team that he is "creapy" in a sexual predator kind of way... and have talked about giving me an ultimatum, him or me/us (several girls in a tight click). this guy and I go way back, he is a solid Christian guy with three dd's of his own. I will not tolerate these rumors to be spread about him. If I keep him around with his two dd's, I'll potentially loose two or three kids, but if he goes, I'll loose two kids and a coach! What should I do?

 

[Hit by the Pitch]

Players can not run the Team.

Good luck, sounds like a bad situation no matter what you do.

 

[Comp]

With public perception the way it is these days, I would say you need to have a talk with both your assistant coach and the kids spreading the rumor. This is nothing to joke about, you get a kid spreading those kinds of rumors the next thing you know you will have a police investigation on your hands. I dont think your players have any idea of the amount of damage they could be doing to someone that may continue for years if not forever.

 

[CoogansBluff]

Wow, that's a difficult situation. I would talk to the player and listen to her side of the story and keep an open mind. While it's true that players can't run the team, their opinions/concerns should be respected and heard. Once you hear it, then you decide what's best for the team, IMO.

Also, the player is out of line for going to her teammates with this. There must be a team rule against that sort of thing. Players are not allowed to criticize or spread negativity about a coach or a teammate. They must come to the head coach (or parent) with that. And they should feel welcome and safe to do that.

Sorry to hear this is going on w/ your team. Good luck.

 

[Coachmom]

Creep radar.
I hope its not true and that this guy is harmless but many women have a creep radar. I know I do.
Many of us cannot put a distinct reason why, its just a feeling. I would think of someone as creepy even if he hadn't said anything creepy, based on things like when they stare at you for a prolonged time after you've finished speaking, or enter into you personal space and stay there for a long time without cause or invitation, or things such as over-contact such as putting their hand on the small of your back when you've just met and un-necessary touching, and their tone of voice. Most of communication is non-verbal, so sometimes it can be hard to explain why you get bad vibes from people when you cannot explain exactly what they have said or done to put you off. Whatever it is you should find out.
It may be nothing at all but if my DD is creeped out by someone I would not encourage her to be around that person. I allow her to trust her gut.
I've had first hand experience with a creepy dad with a daughter the team. The vibe turned out to be correct after a year of giving the guy the benefit of the doubt. It was a huge mistake and I will always trust my gut on these issues.

It could be teenage drama but it may be something else too. Maybe have a private discussion with the girls and the parents who are creeped out. Find out what they think without having an attitude about it. You need more information but you must be open minded about the responses. You may have blinders on about your friend.

The Gift of Fear - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[CoogansBluff]

Creep radar.
I hope its not true and that this guy is harmless but many women have a creep radar. I know I do.

My wife has one of these, and I respect it.

It may be nothing at all but if my DD is creeped out by someone I would not encourage her to be around that person. I allow her to trust her gut.

Excellent advice, IMO.

 

[MsDinosaur]

Well said, Coachmom. I was just wondering how to say something along these lines.

The girl may not have handled it the best way (and things like you being an adult man or knowing he is your friend may have made her reluctant to talk to you), but "creep radar", "gut instinct", whatever you want to call it, can be right.

One of the things they always try to get across to kids about stranger danger, is that it isn't always someone who looks strange, it can be someone everyone thinks is a really great guy or gal.

 

[bucket pinata]

You must take the side of the team,If he is a coach now has he coached any other team?Talk to anyone involved with those teams?Background check?Its been brought to your attention,If you are wrong and didnt do your due dilligance you are opening yourself up to a nightmare sinerio you cant imagine, not to mention liablility.This comming from a victim for over four years of a christian coach that everyone loved and had two daughters.He now sports a ankle bracelet.

 

[sluggers]

As you may know, I was a prosecuting attorney doing sex abuse cases for 4 wonderful years.

Do children lie about sex abuse? Yep.
Do children tell the truth about sex abuse? Yep.
Do Christian men with children abuse kids? Yep.
Do Christian men with children not abuse kids? Yep.
Do men who appear to be pillars of the community abuse kids? Yep.
Are men who appear to be pillars of the community actually pillars of the community? Yep.

SO:

Coach James, you are in way, way over your head. You are not a social worker. You have no training in sex abuse cases. Trust me, there is no way for you to figure out if the kid is a liar or if the guy is a sexual pervert. It's impossible. (And that, in a nutshell is what was wrong at Penn State...all the administrators and Paterno thought they understood sex abuse. They didn't. And, trust me, neither do you.)

So, the only thing you can do is CYA.

(1) Talk to the coach and tell him what is going on. He may not want to deal with the situation. If I were him, I would quit no matter if the allegations were true or not. No reasonable person wants to be in a no-win situation.
(2) You have to talk to the girl and find out exactly what she is alleging. If there is any suggestion of improper conduct, then you have to report it to the police.
(3) After you talk to her, bring in her parents and have her talk to them. They can then go to the police if they wish. Any reasonable parent would pull the kid from the team immediately, no matter if the allegations were true or not.
(4) The worst scenario is if the girl's parents and the coach are unreasonable. Then, sadly, the coach has to go.
***

As to the creep-o-meter: Women/girls make as many poor choices about the opposite sex as men/boys.

 

[Amy in AZ.]

I would wonder how many times, this girl has felt like someone creeped her out?

If this is a one time thing, I would investigate further. If she cries wolf all of the time, I would be reluctant to be around her.

My DD was 16, the only time she ever told me that she didn't want to be around "the trainer at school." I made certain that she didn't have to go around the guy.