How do you handle another parent trashing your DD?

[krazykat]

Your coach did not handle this situation correctly. A coach should never discuss playing time, batting order, or softball strategy with a parent. The coach should have stopped the conversation immediately and told Q that "if you do not want to be on this team, you have the option of leaving". End of discussion. I would have handled the situation differently. After the first insult, I would have said, "Coach you need to handle this" turned and walked away.

 

[Cannonball]

What would you have gained by punching the guy? Jail time or a visit from the Police? You did the right thing in not attacking. However, all of the coaching staff and you gave him an audience to air his laundry out in public. IMO, the HC should have said that this is not the place for a discussion like this. If he continued, then she should have told him to hit the road. The AC, HC and you do not have to defend yourselves against someone who has an agenda. BTW, you wanted to talk stats. He knew the stats. He was attempting to bully you and the coaching staff. For me, that player is off the team because the safety of the other players and parents is now in question if this guy shows up.

I've been in this position. Thank goodness, the HC ended this attempted conversation quickly. The lunatic dad was demanding that his dd start the championship game of a tournament over my dd. The HC told the dad the way it was and that he was now done. He was told to take the dd and we didn't need them. Word got around quickly and that player turned into what many called, "dial a player" since she could not get on another team. She was asked to fill in once in a while. Secretly, I think many of the parents celebrated the HC's actions. The parents of that player were not liked by most of the other parents.

 

[Long Baller]

Typical bucket dad behavior. Surprised you haven't run into this many more times before.
DD has played high-level travel since 10U, and there has always been some level of strife, jealousy, or animosity between the pitcher's parents and/or coaches. One of the pitcher's parents always seems to be a "coach", so that always heightens the tension.

I'm usually pretty reserved, but one thing that absolutely sets me off is when a grown adult says anything derogatory about a "kid". It takes quite a man to talk trash about a 16-year-old girl. That crap can't be allowed to happen. While I agree that a sucker punch is not the answer there, I would certainly have stopped his insults and gave him a warning to not continue.

The coach needed to squash his behavior right then and there! I don't know why the dad felt the need to directly include you in that conversation, but since he did, the coach should have pulled the three of you aside and then told everyone "the way it is" without the kids present. And if I was the coach, I would not be happy with her skipping a tourney to sub with someone else. To me, she quit the team when she did that.

 

[Strike2]

The coach, while she's a pal and has been a real good coach, is a 29-year-old 5-foot-1 woman. She was mostly defending herself and her actions -- explaining why Q's DD wasn't starting tournaments (the game starts were the same) and trying to explain her reasoning about Q's DD missing practices and that they skipped our last tourney so he could guest her somewhere else. But she was on the defensive the whole time.

Wow...lots to unpack. A parent insulting a player? Missing practices? Missing tournaments to guest? (WTF???) Coaches trying to explain themselves to someone clearly out of control? Suspended for a tournament? Why is this player still on the team?

As much as I understand the urge to go after this idiot, you were wise not to. Instead, tell everyone you know in softball about what happened. This is the downside of having a younger, non-parent coach. While not all older/parent coaches will push back forcefully against such nonsense, there is a much greater chance. Combine that with the HC being a smaller woman, and this guy obviously thought he could bully her to get his way. I laugh when I think about how a similar attempt at such a conversation would go on DD's team. Heck, a player simply missing practice to guest with another team would be in serious jeopardy.

 

[Vertigo]

This guy and his dd need to go. He needs to learn that his behavior will ultimately affect his dd being on teams. Softball world is small and behavior like this is a cancer. Pretty soon, no one will want his dd on their team. Sadly, it’s the kid in the end who suffers for their parent’s behavior.

 

[whiporee]

Wow...lots to unpack. A parent insulting a player? Missing practices? Missing tournaments to guest? (WTF???) Coaches trying to explain themselves to someone clearly out of control? Suspended for a tournament? Why is this player still on the team?

The coach doesn't want to punish the player for her father's behavior. I don't agree, but that's who she is, part of the reason her teams love her so much. Q's DD misses practices for private lessons and, I think, basketball.

We didn't know they were missing the tourney to guest until coach got the authorization request after we'd left. It was our only out-of-state for the year, and Q had said they were going on a college tour that weekend. Coach didn't wantr to punish the player. That's the same thing he said about the July 3 tourney -- that they were going on a college tour. However, during his rant he talked about how is DD was playing in Sparkler that weekend, and how no one else would be there (it's not like it's that hard. Teams spend the money to come from out of state and then find themselves down a player. We've gotten three girls picked up in the last three days since our tourney was cancelled). I just held my tongue on that, but it just shows who he is -- he's a liar and he's delusional. I think most organizations know that -- we were just willing to take a chance because a) his Dd is nice enough and b) we needed a pitcher.

I wish coach had been able to call him out, but she's not been in a lot of direct confrontations in her life. It's a skill that takes a while to learn.

My DD texted Q's Dd and said she was sorry she had to be in the middle of all that, and Q's DD wrote back that her dad had a lot of opinions she didn't share, and she hoped the team didn't hold her dad against her. Just goes to show that bad things happen when parents take this stuff too seriously.

 

[Strike2]

The coach doesn't want to punish the player for her father's behavior.

While I understand the sentiment, there's a point where it's impossible to separate the two. One example is when the parent won't pay the bills, and won't even address the issue. The other is when the parent is so confrontational and out of control that the team is destabilized by what's happening. The latter is what I see given what you describe.

A successful coach at any level walks a line between the extremes of being an authoritarian and wanting to be liked. Being too much one or the other inevitably brings its own set of problems. I think it's even tougher with youth sports, but being too soft brings out exactly what you experienced. Many of these types of problems are deterred by the firm believe that the coach won't tolerate such nonsense. I understand that pitcher's parents often feel that they have greater leverage, but if the team is otherwise good, nobody is irreplaceable. Frankly, I've never heard of such an over-the-top case of bad parent behavior that didn't involve fighting.

 

[Long Baller]

This guy and his dd need to go. He needs to learn that his behavior will ultimately affect his dd being on teams. Softball world is small and behavior like this is a cancer. Pretty soon, no one will want his dd on their team. Sadly, it’s the kid in the end who suffers for their parent’s behavior.

Unfortunately, if the pitcher is even somewhat talented, there will always be teams willing to put up with the BS for her arm. We had that situation one year, and all the parents knew what the coach was getting the team into. The coach kept saying "I can handle the dad". But coach, the dad blew up every team his kid was on. "Yeah, but I can handle the dad." Guess who couldn't handle the dad?

 

[_MIA_]

Unfortunately, if the pitcher is even somewhat talented, there will always be teams willing to put up with the BS for her arm. We had that situation one year, and all the parents knew what the coach was getting the team into. The coach kept saying "I can handle the dad". But coach, the dad blew up every team his kid was on. "Yeah, but I can handle the dad." Guess who couldn't handle the dad?

The only way to handle this, if the kid is not an issue herself, is to tell the father his kid can play on the team but he cannot attend the games. Any contact between father and coach occurs away from team setting. If he doesn't like it his kid can go elsewhere. It is not a requirement for parents to attend games and some parents have forfeited that privilege via their behavior..

There is a local father who is like that..the kid herself is a nice kid, the old man has blown up like 3 or 4 teams already and his kid is only in 12U...

 

[ang2bmd]

Sorry but the not punishing the kid business is BS. All the kids know he's like this. All the kids hear it, think about it and it gets in their heads. We don't give kids enough credit. So instead of removing the cancer the coach punishes all the kids by forcing them through a stressful season with someone like this to deal with. Coach needs a back bone.

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