When is the right time to speak up....

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Dec 20, 2023
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I'm looking for input from other parents and perhaps even coaches, and this post isn't related specifically to softball in our case, but most definitely can be applied to softball.

Is there a justified scenario where parents can/should speak to coaches about playing time?

A little information to help others in their responses. I realize parents are the problem so often when it comes to team dynamics and sports. It is never my intention to be the problem parent on a team, however, when your child is receiving next to zero playing time is it justified to speak up and ask the coach about their decisions as to why? I'm not talking about a parent thinking little Suzy is the best ever and she deserves to be a starter and in her prime position every game and she has to be showcased every game. I'm talking about ANY, even miniscule (seconds in this case) amount of playing time in any position, especially when the game is a blow out?

I whole heartedly believe girls should earn their spots/positions. I whole heartedly also believe that absent of the opportunity to prove yourself in real game scenarios, how can you earn your spot? In practices where girls are always placed in the same positions and some get less one on one attention, and in games the girls are always playing the same positions. There is zero opportunity to go out and produce to show coaches that as a player, you can have an impact.

I always hear "back in the day we didn't question coaches and kids needed to shut up and appreciate time on the bench." In the modern day of community politics (small town in our case) and coaches expecting to not be questioned, is this a healthy coach/parent dynamic to expect and establish?

I spoke up. My child has played the sport as long if not longer as any of the other girls on the team. She goes in and makes an impact when other girls with the right last name or connection never get benched for game-time errors. The coach disagreed with my questioning him, but to his credit, he did finally put her in and she immediately had an impact and scored for the team on several occasions. I think he hastily decided what her contributions to the team could be, but didn't want to admit he was wrong in doing so. It still however, puts a "problematic label" ton me as a parent and the child, because I advocated and spoke up for my child which is wholly unfair.

Perhaps another question should be, should at least some playing time be expected depending on the level? This was a school sport at the middle school level. Not quite the pay to play of travel sports, but some investment is still involved, especially time. Should the focus of middle school sports be to win or develop enough players that continue on to play high school sports? Can you develop players when they aren't allowed to play for entire games and they get ignored in practices?
 
Last edited:
Jun 11, 2013
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My opinion is that as long as you do it in a positive manner and at the right time (not right after a 15-2 loss) you have nothing to lose. If you kid isn't playin anyway they can't bench her more. On the other hand school sports is definitely a situation where most coaches are playing to win and playing time for the bottom players is usually very small. I know kids when I played that never got an at bat or played an inning during baseball season
 
Dec 2, 2013
3,426
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Texas
I was waiting and waiting for you to say what level. When you said Middle School, I knew you were screwed.

If you said travel, I would have said this team is not the right team and you should leave immediately. Rec ball-there are rules that provide for playing time. Middle school SHOULD be for development. But some coaches didn't get the memo. HS is about winning and coaches should be playing the best players with subs based on situations.

Sounds like there are "politics" involved too, which is out of your control. Hopefully your kid plays outside of MS and this is where her focus should be. If the coach doesn't see value in ALL kids on the team, she should not be coaching.
 
Jan 20, 2023
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My daughter played middle school basketball (we don’t have softball). I know there were policies that made it so the 6th graders got very little time - but it was well published before sign up. Other than that everyone played quite a lot.

My daughter started in 7th grade not knowing what a layup was having never played and was given equal time. In a way it may have been good she was new because she let the other girls be the shooters but got really good at rebounding and passing and defending. 8th grade she was in the starting line up for the A team and still barely scored- but was really good at getting the ball and getting it to the kids that could shoot.

So, it might be worth having your daughter ask if there are skills the team needs that she can work on that would earn her more playing time. I never talked to the coach- but if my kid was getting no playing time and not getting results from asking herself, I would probably reach out and ask what the coach thought was holding her back and what we could work on outside practice so she could earn more time. But, I would only reach out to the coach if my daughter said she wanted me to.
 
Dec 20, 2023
25
3
I was waiting and waiting for you to say what level. When you said Middle School, I knew you were screwed.

If you said travel, I would have said this team is not the right team and you should leave immediately. Rec ball-there are rules that provide for playing time. Middle school SHOULD be for development. But some coaches didn't get the memo. HS is about winning and coaches should be playing the best players with subs based on situations.

Sounds like there are "politics" involved too, which is out of your control. Hopefully your kid plays outside of MS and this is where her focus should be. If the coach doesn't see value in ALL kids on the team, she should not be coaching.
Thank you, this is so reassuring that I’m not crazy for advocating for my child. Funny thing is, she is not a weak player by any means, I know I see her through my lens but in club games she has games where she is the high scorer (this was basketball) and half the girls on her school team couldn’t complete a layup. I think politics had to be involved, the girls in her grade that play the same sports have bullied her, and they are staff or teacher’s kids, they are all starters while she gets benched. It’s crazy frustrating.
 
Apr 28, 2014
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113
All depends on if your DD is getting better every day. I've seen so many teams where playing time is spread out evenly but kids don't get better. And other teams where some kids never play but get so much better because in spite of everything you hear and come to believe kids don't get better during games, they just don't. They get better at practice. IF my DD was on that team and getting better every day I wouldn't care less about playing time. CF gets 3 at bats during a game and maybe 2-3 ball hit her way in 7 innings. They could get 150 balls to shag and 15 live at bats during a good practice.
 
Dec 20, 2023
25
3
All depends on if your DD is getting better every day. I've seen so many teams where playing time is spread out evenly but kids don't get better. And other teams where some kids never play but get so much better because in spite of everything you hear and come to believe kids don't get better during games, they just don't. They get better at practice. IF my DD was on that team and getting better every day I wouldn't care less about playing time. CF gets 3 at bats during a game and maybe 2-3 ball hit her way in 7 innings. They could get 150 balls to shag and 15 live at bats during a good practice.
This was actually basketball but we’ve had a similar all-star season in softball. I would say her basketball skills regressed this season, I was so glad it was over. This week we did a private camp and my kid received one of 4 special recognition awards out of 60 kids. She isn’t incapable of playing the game was my point to the coach, yet she sat entire games while other girls went in and turned it over multiple times or just did their best impression of a utility pole.
 
Apr 28, 2014
2,322
113
This was actually basketball but we’ve had a similar all-star season in softball. I would say her basketball skills regressed this season, I was so glad it was over. This week we did a private camp and my kid received one of 4 special recognition awards out of 60 kids. She isn’t incapable of playing the game was my point to the coach, yet she sat entire games while other girls went in and turned it over multiple times or just did their best impression of a utility pole.
I'd love to share my DD's story but to keep it short when she was 12 years old they never let her pitch. Would tell her "we'll get ya in soon" Soon never happened. That dismissiveness built a fire in her that could never be extinguished.

Tonight her team sits at 15-1 and takes on the #1 Longhorns and she may get a shot in the circle. I can honestly say without a shred of doubt that if DD was given shots to pitch at 12's by that coach that she may never have built that desire to prove everyone wrong. She tells the young girls she works with that at 12U she was given a box of darkness and later learned that that too was a gift. Gifts come in many packages. Sometimes it takes years to see that.
 
Dec 20, 2023
25
3
I'd love to share my DD's story but to keep it short when she was 12 years old they never let her pitch. Would tell her "we'll get ya in soon" Soon never happened. That dismissiveness built a fire in her that could never be extinguished.

Tonight her team sits at 15-1 and takes on the #1 Longhorns and she may get a shot in the circle. I can honestly say without a shred of doubt that if DD was given shots to pitch at 12's by that coach that she may never have built that desire to prove everyone wrong. She tells the young girls she works with that at 12U she was given a box of darkness and later learned that that too was a gift. Gifts come in many packages. Sometimes it takes years to see that.
Love this story! I’m glad it didn’t serve to discourage her like so many children at these impressionable junior high ages. I will share your daughter’s story with my daughter ♥️♥️
 
Apr 14, 2022
588
63
I'd love to share my DD's story but to keep it short when she was 12 years old they never let her pitch. Would tell her "we'll get ya in soon" Soon never happened. That dismissiveness built a fire in her that could never be extinguished.

Tonight her team sits at 15-1 and takes on the #1 Longhorns and she may get a shot in the circle. I can honestly say without a shred of doubt that if DD was given shots to pitch at 12's by that coach that she may never have built that desire to prove everyone wrong. She tells the young girls she works with that at 12U she was given a box of darkness and later learned that that too was a gift. Gifts come in many packages. Sometimes it takes years to see that.
I think Amanda, Cat, Jenny and a lot of pitchers have a 12u story.

Awesome story.
 

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