What to do with a 14 yr old

[obbay]

I have noticed that somewhere around the age of 14, girls tend to not listen to their fathers anymore. I did not have this problem with DD#1 but I definitely have it with DD#2!
I used to be able to help her with Basketball and Softball, but now she thinks I just fell off the turnip truck. FWIW- I am a big "let them try it their way before you show them a better way" kind of guy. I do not push.

Its difficult to see her needing help but the only problem she sees is her father.

any advice?

 

[CoogansBluff]

What specifically do you see that she needs help with?

 

[knightsb]

We all know how teenagers can be, however Have you taken a hard look at yourself? I am not saying this in a mean way, just sharing my experience. I had a problem communicating with my 13yo, but I realized it was the messenger and not the message. It used to be my way or the hiway. I knew what I wanted DD to do, and when she wouldn't do it the way I thought it needed to be done, I would get frustrated and our practice would spiral out of control. As a work in process, I have changed the way we communicate. I actually solicit her feedback, ask her why she does what she does and how it feels, I suggest changes and repeat the feedback loop. I try to be positive and supportive. I have noticed she now comes to me and asks me for help. We also try to look at a lot of images and video together and talk about what we think is going on and why. Good luck.

 

[marriard]

I have noticed that somewhere around the age of 14, girls tend to not listen to their fathers anymore. I did not have this problem with DD#1 but I definitely have it with DD#2!
I used to be able to help her with Basketball and Softball, but now she thinks I just fell off the turnip truck. FWIW- I am a big "let them try it their way before you show them a better way" kind of guy. I do not push.

Its difficult to see her needing help but the only problem she sees is her father.

any advice?

In softball - have another coach communicate your message. I have a number of players I coach where their fathers will tell me what they want to say to their DD and then let me do the talking because they their DD no longer listens to them.

14? You got lucky - a lot of times this starts at 9 or 10.

At home... You are on your own.

 

[chinamigarden]

I have more then one coach friend that I have made a deal with. I talk to their dd and they talk to mine

 

[Amy in AZ.]

Do you want to hear it from your dad? My mother is 94 and I don't. Unless I ask, don't give advice.

 

[3'sDad]

I retired from coaching; The DD didn't want to hear it from me. She's 16 now but stoipped listening to me a while ago. I only offer advice if asked - on about anything not just softball.

She has a pitching coach she works with - I sit on the bucket & catch.

She has a former collegeiate player as a batting coach - I take her to lessons & occasionally shoot video of her swing with Coaches Eye so she can see herself, since she doesn't drive yet.

I drive the turnip truck, there is plenty of room on the back fror a lot more parents, let me know where to pick all of you up - just goes with the territory.

 

[CoogansBluff]

Do you want to hear it from your dad? My mother is 94 and I don't. Unless I ask, don't give advice.

Agreed.

IMO, parents don't have the right to give their kids advice on how to become better softball players. That's a privilege. Parents have the right to tell their children how to behave on a softball field, but not the right to tell them how to throw and catch and hit. We must have permission to do that. So if parents want to give their kids advice on softball, they must find tactful ways to earn that privilege. If not, they will find less-than tactful ways to tell us to mind our own business.

 

[FP26]

I started having these challenges when DD was between 12 and 13. Basically knightsb's post sounds like an exact duplicate of my experience. After reading a great number of posts on this site, I found that many of the examples given were of me (or someone like me). Although I truly felt I was trying to help, DD did not perceive it to be that way. Within the past few months I have allowed her to control all of our practices (hitting, pitching, fielding, etc.). She will ask me questions, and that is when I become coach. Otherwise I am dad. Video has become a great help. Prior to video, she would ask a question, I would give her an answer, and she would tell me I am wrong. Now, she asks a question, I show her the video, and she concedes (usually...)

To be honest, the change on my part was an overnight realization. The first few times we practiced after that, she did not trust the "new me". She would make a comment and expect a certain reaction out of me. When that reaction did not come, she wasn't sure how to react. I had her confused for nearly a month. Now we are settling in and things are going much better. For both of us.

I wish you the best of luck. DD and I had a great relationship for 12 1/2 years. Then it became "less than great" for a year. Now we are getting back to great, and I am very thankful for that. I love softball, and I believe she does as well, but I love her more.

 

[obbay]

she would ask a question, I would give her an answer, and she would tell me I am wrong.

BINGO!
thank you all for the feedback. I have two issues with DD- Basketball and Softball. It being basketball season, she is not focused on softball yet, but she is also not practicing basketball except for when there's a team practice or a game. I have been trying to get her to do some of the Hillhouse easy pitching things indoors, like flipping a ball to develop better spin and finger control.

my biggest problem with DD (in all sports) is that she has become less interested in practicing and has become an expert on fabricating excuses - which I can't stand. either do it or don't do it but blaming someone else (coach, other players not doing their job, etc) doesn't fix it.
I had already backed off on my demands and had changed to asking her what she wants to get out of it and then reminding her from time to time what SHE asked for. no condescension, no "I Told you so", just 'by the way...you said you wanted to do X and we haven't been doing that. If you want to compete at the next level, you need to work on Y". Her mother has been pushing for her to give up pitching altogether (DD hates when she does that) and now I'm starting to tell her that if she doesn't get busy, Mom will be right. (and she will blame her inability to keep up on other kids getting better all of a sudden) if she decides to quit pitching, she'll blame it on Mom.
\
her older sister was a good hitter and could've been a great hitter, but I didn't want to force the issue. In hindsight, I would've pushed the issue more and not expected her to ask for help. She went from a beautiful swing and a sharp eye to the ugliest swing I've ever seen, but she still wants to play in college(DIII).

I guess you can lead the horse to water but you can't make her drink....