Parent problem..Input please

[2 DD Coach]

I have come across a very sticky situation on my 8u team this year, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. We have a girl that is playing softball for the first time, and she is actually showing a lot of potential. She has gone from standing watching balls that are four feet away from her go past, to actually fielding and attempting two throws for outs at our last game. She has hit in two games, once off the girl pitcher. Not bad improvment considering we are only four games into our season.

So here's the problem. This girl is shy, and her parents have recently gone through a nasty divorce. She has started feeling more comfortable with the other girls on the team, and started "coming out of her shell" so to speak. The parents on the other hand could really care less about softball. We(My wife is the team manager) have had to pick this girl up twice so she could attened games. Mom was too busy with a yardsale once, and moving in the new stepdad the other time. She just missed our last fielding practice because she was at dads pulling weeds to get ready for company.

My wife asked the mom to be kind of a team mom, be in the dugout to help out, thinking this might get her excited about her daughter playing.(Something about being in the dugout is so cool isn't it!?) Mom proceeded to text on her phone, or read.

The girl tells her parents she doesnt want to play softball anymore. She cries before games.(This is what they are telling me) I know the last time we picked her up before the game, she was outside throwing the ball with her older brother, with a big smile on her face. She climbed in the car and started doing cheers with my to DD's on the way to the game. This was a major improvment and I thought we were turning a corner here. At practice and the games she is smiles and having fun with the other girls. Then the weed incident happened, and now dad wants to talk about wether she should play softball at all.

This girl lacks self confidence. When she makes a good play I can see the gears turning and the smile on her face, which is pretty much the reason for playing at this age. IMOP dropping out of softball would be a bad choice for her. We are not the type of coaches that yell or criticize the girls when they make a mistake. We go with the teach soft, praise loud idea, and she has said to her parents that she was glad she wasnt on some of the other teams we played because the coaches were too "yelly".

I know that we are her softball coaches, not the family counseler. However I also know that if her parents could show the slightest bit of interest in what she was doing, she would gain some self cofidence and enjoy herself. Obviously I cant state this to her parents, but is there a way to make this point without overstepping?

Sorry so long, but I really feel this could be a major plus in this girls life, and I don't want to just give up on her.

 

[ang4yanks]

Coach,

Did I read "weed" in the right context or was that a misspelling? My husband and I were in your shoes once before with a beautiful young lady and great catcher. He and I compared the impact we could have on the young girl's life, the responsibility we would be adding to our commitment list (picking up and dropping off) versus responsibility to the team. You and your wife must follow your hearts, and it sounds like you have. Trying to involve the Mom was a great idea. There are domestic boundaries to be careful with. You cannot change and environment that is not ready for change. Someone passed that along to me years ago, and it was great advice that I have applied in many circles (sparing myself endless frustration and loss of peace/joy). Wishing you this young lady and your team the best and am very happy to hear when others are out there advocating for our youth...

P.S. If there was a "weed" incident, your responsibility is clearly to the team. Zero tolerance on drugs/alcohol et al. "The evil that is in the world almost always comes of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence if they lack understanding." - Albert Camus

 

[sluggers]

I know that we are her softball coaches, not the family counseler.

Re-read this about a 1000 times.

Obviously I cant state this to her parents, but is there a way to make this point without overstepping?

No.

---

The problem in the child's life is due to the divorce and the problems between the parents. You are spending 5 to 10 hours with her a week. She is spending the other 160 hours per week with her mom and dad. It is difficult to say what problems her mother and father are facing. The only thing you can do for her is to make her softball experience the best you can.

One thing that might help is "super praise". Super-praise is when you tell her mother or father what a great job she is doing in her presence. It works wonders.

 

[abbygale]

Pulling weeds is just that. Removal from flower beds / yard. And it's no fun. Consider yourself lucky if you've never had to pull weeds.

 

[Coach Al]

I will tell you a bit of advise I received when I was a student teacher: you can't save everyone. It doesn't mean you don't try some. Remember you have other kids on the team also.

 

[Hollyrockartist]

From a parental stand point...we had a little girl on our school ball team. Didn't seem to have ever played the game before, much less stepped on a field. Her parents were NEVER at games (well once her momma, popped open her MONSTEROUS golf umbrella behind home plate and sat in a chair). There were a couple of us (parents) who cheered non-stop for this little girl. I mean if she struck out, she went down swinging with good cuts! Towards the end of the season, we noticed the little girl would look at us sitting there before she batted, smiling because we'd be giving her the thumbs up and "you can do this" chants. Maybe if her own parents are going to get involved, you can have some of the other parents sort of "adopt her" for the games? Just my two cents and what worked for us to help this little girl along last season. Good luck and yes, weed pulling is grueling!

 

[cshilt]

Keep engaging the parents and stay positive. Thank them for entrusting you to coach their dd and tell them about the positive things you see from her. Relating the story about singing cheers in the car may help them see how much she enjoys being on a team. Sometimes newly divorced parents have problems adjusting too, just keep subtly reminding them that playing the game and being on a team is for the dd's benefit.

 

[Amy in AZ.]

Heck, my parents haven't showed up at my games over 5 times in 40 years. Not all families are nuts over softball.

I really thought this was going to be a post about parents that you didn't want at the games. So, count yourself lucky. Maybe you don't want the recently divorced mom and dad at the games.

I, too, spent many hours, running other people's kids some where. I was a stay at home mom and I didn't care. But, in the wrong run, I couldn't save all of them.

We even took a kid into our home, one time. I wish I had a very happy ending to tell you, but I don't.

I guess you could enquire as to if there are GPs near by, that could bring her to practice.

 

[Chris O'Leary]

I know that we are her softball coaches, not the family counseler. However I also know that if her parents could show the slightest bit of interest in what she was doing, she would gain some self cofidence and enjoy herself. Obviously I cant state this to her parents, but is there a way to make this point without overstepping?

Sorry so long, but I really feel this could be a major plus in this girls life, and I don't want to just give up on her.

There's nothing you can do about the parents. They are simply broken.

The girl clearly wants to play. Her parents don't (really because it's too inconvenient).

Within reason, I would help get her to practices and games as long as it doesn't affect your time with your and the other kids.

However, and as someone else said, you can't save them all.

It sucks.

 

[amanda_cake]

This is such a sticky situation. I feel really, really bad for the girl. I think that you should continue to help her out with taking her to practices and games if you can. Around here, everyone carpools. See if any of her teammates live nearby that she could catch a ride with. I would tell the parents how much she has been enjoying her experience, also.