How do you not live vicariously through your kid?

[slingnit]

I think there is a huge difference between living vicariously through your kids (as you describe) and having your self worth dictated by your children. That's when I see a problem, when a parent gets embarrassed by how his/her child plays.

I agree and disagree with that statement. Not necessarily having your self worth dictated by your kids but your kids are a direct reflection of the parents or whoever raises them. When you see kids that back talk parents or throw fits when they do not get what they want then I would say "it was how they were raised". So relating it to softball I do not let how well my kids play dictate how I feel but did they or did they not try their absolute hardest and give it their best. So when I knew my dd 's are working hard, putting in the practice and does not do well then their is no shame. No difference than school work. If I know they are studying, doing homework and making the effort to pull good grades but fall short then I understand. BUT if they are half a$&ing it in school, sports or even cleaning house and it reflects in their performance then I do feel some shame. It is not how they were raised and not the way me and their mother conduct ourselves. Just my 2 cents, right or wrong.

 

[Sparky Guy]

I think there is a huge difference between living vicariously through your kids (as you describe) and having your self worth dictated by your children. That's when I see a problem, when a parent gets embarrassed by how his/her child plays. Those who rant and rave when JR is on the bench and that hurts the parent's feelings. When a dad gets mad and yells at his kid for swinging at a bad pitch or making an error. Its as if the kid not being a superstar affects how he/she is perceived.

We've all seen these types of parents at the field or in the stands. I've had the unfortunate experience of having a number of them on the teams I've coached over the years. Few of them made it a season. The ones who did, listened and learned.

One of the things the type of parents china describe have in common is the word "We." They don't talk about the their daughters singularly. It's almost always "We did this or that." or "We won the game." "We've had a good season so far." It makes the hairs on the back of my neck raise when I hear a parent talking like that.

On occasion when my DD had a really good game I would have parents want to congratulate me. I would tell them save it for the kids on the team they did all the work to win the game. I was just a spectator like they were.

And it's not just softball. One of the dads I had several years back played hockey at a very high level when he was young. Teams you had to be invited to play on. He told me about a dad who would pace up and down the rink with a stopwatch in his hand. After a game the dad confronted the coach about ice time for his son. The dad held out the stopwatch and showed it to the coach. The coach asked for the stopwatch and the dad gave it to him. The coach smashed the stopwatch on the ground in front of the dad and walked away without saying a word. The player was not at the next practice.

 

[pctrips]

Great topic and some good thoughts by everyone. I love my children immensely and I want for them to be successful at whatever they choose to do. In the case of my DD this is softball. So I am trying to teach her the value of hard work and the subsequent rewards of that while playing this game she loves. I'm 100% invested in the success of my DD and I always try and remind myself that it is her success, not mine. Of course when she does something great you can't knock the smile off my face with a shovel. I'm proud as hell of her. If she doesn't perform I get a bit disappointed as well but I try to stay encouraging. I make a point not to give any constructive criticism at the fields or in the car ride home unless she asks for it.

 

[undergroundga]

Upset over a strikeout or 2? Miggy struck out 211 times in his last 307 games...and one could argue he's the greatest hitter on the planet right now...given that stat, what do we expect our 8 or 10 or 12 years old to do?

I had this epiphany a few years back. I attended a local Division 1 school(SIU, not the greatest Div 1, but I think they have a solid program and would be stoked if our dd decided to play there one day) game and couldn't help but notice these Div 1 athletes still committed throwing errors, fielding errors, and yes, even the dreaded strikeout looking!. But I also noticed was that I didn't hear any angry parents yelling at the kids. No shouts of, "C'mon! or "Your pulling your head!". And these were "elite" level players at the top of their game! How could I be so hard on my then, 9 year old dd?
As the years have gone by and there's more and more softball on tv I've watched a ton of games. Even the best players still commit errors, that's why it's a stat. Even the best batters strike out!
Do I live vicariously through my dd? You bet I do! My wife and I work our tails off so that our kids can have the childhood they want, not the one's we had. We invest heavy amounts of time, energy, and oh, yes, the mighty $ into her playing. Wouldn't change it for anything in the world!
Does how she plays affect my mood? Heck, yeah! Try magnifying that by 12. My mood is affected by how my whole team plays. But not out of anger but rather disappointment when I know they could've played better. But let them win or let my dd throw a cg shut out! Shoot son, I feel that way deep down inside!
Perhaps it's not living vicariously at all but just being fully vested. I don't know, but what a ride!

 

[BuckeyeGuy]

This is why I don't coach DS in baseball. I was a good BB player for a long time, and I find that I just need to be a cheerleader for him or I get all different kinds of stressed out wanting him to make a play, be more aggressive, swing through the ball, etc.

OTOH, FP is different enough that as a coach I'm too busy trying to figure stuff out to worry overmuch about DD. She evokes the same emotional roller coaster as any other player, just with slightly greater intensity: I feel bad for any of the girls who watch a strike 3, or drop a pop up, or throw the ball into the stands from 2B. But I can't live vicariously through her, at least on the field, simply because I didn't play FP - I just don't have that connection.

 

[Indiana]

That's an interesting statement, BG. It's hard not to compare our kids to who we were at their age, simply in trying to find some perspective. Sometimes I find myself trying to push my kids towards who I was/am. DD is 16 now and I'm starting to see who SHE is - and it's wonderful to see her as an individual, becoming successful in ways I never would have chosen.

I don't get nervous watching DS play football, mainly because I know nothing about football and find it hard to just figure out where he is on the field (I STILL don't know what position he plays, despite his having explained it to me multiple times). I don't know very much about softball, either, but it's easy to see where DD is on the field - it can be tough sport to watch, sometimes, since the team is so dependent on individual performance. DH was a baseball guy as well. As the years have gone by, he remarks more and more frequently about how different softball and baseball are.

 

[KCPRK]

BG made a comment that gave me an epiphany. There came a point in my kids career where I suddenly stopped worrying about their performance. it was when they passed me up skill wise. My DD would have destroyed me as an athlete if I was her age.

Shes better than I was on the field. I cant critique that. Im proud that my kids have passed me-they are better athletes than I ever was. I have done my job-now to sit back and enjoy the rest of the ride

 

[SoCalASABlue]

I had this epiphany a few years back. I attended a local Division 1 school(SIU, not the greatest Div 1, but I think they have a solid program and would be stoked if our dd decided to play there one day) game and couldn't help but notice these Div 1 athletes still committed throwing errors, fielding errors, and yes, even the dreaded strikeout looking!. But I also noticed was that I didn't hear any angry parents yelling at the kids. No shouts of, "C'mon! or "Your pulling your head!". And these were "elite" level players at the top of their game! How could I be so hard on my then, 9 year old dd?
As the years have gone by and there's more and more softball on tv I've watched a ton of games. Even the best players still commit errors, that's why it's a stat. Even the best batters strike out!
Do I live vicariously through my dd? You bet I do! My wife and I work our tails off so that our kids can have the childhood they want, not the one's we had. We invest heavy amounts of time, energy, and oh, yes, the mighty $ into her playing. Wouldn't change it for anything in the world!
Does how she plays affect my mood? Heck, yeah! Try magnifying that by 12. My mood is affected by how my whole team plays. But not out of anger but rather disappointment when I know they could've played better. But let them win or let my dd throw a cg shut out! Shoot son, I feel that way deep down inside!
Perhaps it's not living vicariously at all but just being fully vested. I don't know, but what a ride!

Wow - except for the SIU part, you could have written this for me...

Everyone has a life sob story...mine is missing a lot of time as a kid where I could have been playing sports but I was waiting for my parents to get home from the bar...not an excuse for my crazy softball dadness when I knew better...

I have enthusiastically moved from coach dad to cheerleader dad now...and am very much looking forward to sporting the D3 dad colors next year!!