How do you not live vicariously through your kid?

[RubberBiscuit]

I like to separate the characteristics of the level of competitiveness in parents and then how they apply that to their children.

I am a competitive person. I always want to do better that the guy next to me. Because of this I have many times in my life just thrown myself into a sport to become the best at it. I know what kind of investment it takes to be really really good at something difficult.

Then there are folks who are not competitive for whatever reason. They never got that repetitive stress injury in working something over and over to get it the best. They just can't identify with "what it takes" and then therefore can't respect and get passionate about these sports moments. I don't get these folks BUT "to each his own...".

So now take the above and overlay this onto your parenting of your own flesh-n-blood. Some people are very hands-on-directing with paving the way for their kids. Some folks are very engaged with a nurturing style. Then there are some folks that are still quite immature yet and are very self absorbed and need recognition for themselves from their kids achievements.

The train-wreck combo is the very competitive parent coupled with that last selfish-type behavior. Because this condition has the parent driving the child to perform with no regard for the child's desires and well-being.

By no means will I ever suggest that I have got life figured out and that I am anywhere close to being a model parent but I was SUPER PROUD of myself at one time in DD's SB career where I accepted DD wanted to not play SB anymore (after years of her personal heavy investment - putting mine aside). Of course I was shocked when DD first brought this up at that one terrible moment back in the middle of high school BUT I accepted that it was her decision (for the month she drifted away from SB before she got right back in on her own inspiration).

The question I would ask all of you is "Could you allow and accept your DD quitting SB or any highly skilled activity that will not get her recognized anymore???" That's the acid-test parents have to challenge themselves with. It's hard to project how you might react. Heck I was clueless on my own performance handling "dad I want to quit"....

 

[sbmom19]

I love the game of softball and I love to watch my DD play it. She plays with a level of intensity that I never had in me at that age. I love to watch her confidence on the field and her joy when she does well. I am proud of the dedication that she puts to this sport and every sport that she plays. I appreciate the sacrifices that she makes to constantly work to improve. I am proud that she is coach-able and respectful to every coach that she has. I love to support her teams in any way that I can-by fundraising, helping at practice, providing food at tournaments, donating equipment, or just cheering on every member of the team.

If that is living vicariously then I do it proudly.

 

[Cowdogz]

Have you ever hoped a teammate messed up so that your DD wouldn't look so bad when she did the same? That's a shameful thing, but it happens more times than people will admit, IMO.

I will admit that, during school baseball, I have rooted for certain kids but against the team as a whole, because there has been a group of kids on the team that I really dislike, and I couldn't stand the coaches.

 

[YOCOACH]

CB, I am DD's TB coach so maybe it is a bit different for me. The only time I get upset with DD is when she gets upset with herself to the point where it starts to affect her playing performance. As she has gotten older, this has become nonexistent. Not that she doesn't still get upset when she strikes out, has a D3K or for whatever reason, but she no longer lets it affect her performance on the field.

Since she has gone into HS and I am a spectator for 3 months or so, I have found that I am more empathetic than, for lack of a better word, antagonistic. Let me explain. When she strikes out, has an error, D3K or whatever, I feel bad for her because I know she does. I don't get mad or upset. When she has a great play, makes a throw-down or snap for an out, hits a homerun, etc. I am excited. Again...for her. I know how much passion she has for the game and how proud/excited she is inside. I know how hard she works at it, not because she has to, but because she wants to become the best player she can. So yes, it's quite common to enjoy your DD's successes and feel bad about the bad experiences/failures for them.

RB, like you, I am a very competitive person and act much the same way. I want to be the best at whatever I do whether it is my job or sports. When it comes to softball, DD is the same way also. That being said, If she were to quit tomorrow, I would be fine with the lack of recognition, the lack of a possible athletic scholarship, or whatever else she may be giving up. It is her sport. She's the one who literally put all of the blood, sweat and tears into it. I would be lying if I said I wouldn't be disappointed though. Not for the lack of recognition or whatever, but because I know what she has invested in the sport both emotionally and physically. I would feel terrible because of what she may be giving up. I know in a few weeks, she'll more than likely be missing the sport she fell in love with at a very young age and it by the time she realizes it, it may be too late to do anything about it.

 

[KCPRK]

All of the behaviors and feelings noted in this thread along with the urge to live vicariously through your kids successes-they are all normal human behaviors and emotions. The trick is how we handle those feelings and behaviors.

RB gave a great example above of when those behaviors can be dangerous. Others gave examples of how they can be healthy.

I struggled with what I called pushing my kids to be better/best. It could have always been viewed as negative from another's perspective. As a coach I push my kids to be what they are capable of-not what they are. That can be perceived as negative to some.

We all have differing views/perceptions as to whats healthy and whats negative. It stems from our own Nature vs Nuture. I hope to teach my kids my perception of commitment, drive, and competitive nature even though I know its not the norm in this world of what I call "coddling or enabling excuses and people".

To each his own. For example I love an excuse free environment (Home) Drop a fly ball-no excuses. Just fix it and move on. Look at strike three-no excuses (zone etc) just adjust and move to the next pitch. The expectations are always going to be high and you are not enabled to make an excuse for not reaching the expectation in that moment-just adjust and move to the next pitch. Youll find the kids love the environment and will push themselves to succeed if parents allow them to struggle a little every now and then.

There are many parents who absolutely HATE this philosophy and thus HATE me as a coach. I raise a culture of excuse free, high expectation/competitive kids who are strong and able to rely on themselves and their team mates in times of great stress. Confidence. Trust. Mental Toughness. Poise. Team First (which is def not the norm) and Friendship/Unity. Our Core Covenants-the KCP way.

IMHO of course.

 

[JJsqueeze]

I don't even think the term vicarious applies to your kids, they are your own flesh and blood. They came from you, they are extensions into the future of you, just as you are to your parents.

I have had some great vicarious living through some friends over the years who have done things that I haven't done, couldn't do, or wouldn't do but I don't think I have ever lived vicariously through my kids. That feeling is entirely different then watching my children live their lives. I experience EVERYTHING with my kids, their pain is my pain, their joy is my joy. I feel sympathy and empathy for others, but with my kids it is something else entirely.

I have gone through every negative and positive emotion watching them play, some days I am shoulder to cry on, some days I am a dad expecting more out of them, some days I am just a cheerleader. Some days I get it wrong, some days I get it right, kind of like EVERY other part of being a parent.

I am not proud of every thought I have had watching a game, but I do make sure to give my self a slap on the wrist when I find myself doing something as stupid as hoping her competition for a spot fails. I recognize how petty it is when this type of thing pops up, but I don't beat myself up about it either, I just chalk it up to the ole lizard brain at work and move on to something more acceptable for a grown man to do like ogling the hot moms.

 

[CoogansBluff]

I am not proud of every thought I have had watching a game, but I do make sure to give my self a slap on the wrist when I find myself doing something as stupid as hoping her competition for a spot fails. I recognize how petty it is when this type of thing pops up, but I don't beat myself up about it either, I just chalk it up to the ole lizard brain at work and move on to something more acceptable for a grown man to do like ogling the hot moms.

That's good stuff.

We all need to be tolerant of our inner lizard. We can't stop it. We can only hope to contain it.

 

[bucket pinata]

For myself I began living vicariously thru my kids the day they were Born, They remind me of the joys to be had in the simple things like Christmas morning, Birthdays and so on that are mostly lost as we get older and deal with the stresses of life. They remind me of what really matters so getting emotionally connected while they play softball is just an extension of that,not because they chose to play a game, any game. My natural impulse in wanting them to succeed is not something I see as bad. do I have to always try to keep it at a healthy level yes, But I do see it as a gift from them to me. a necessary part of life and one that I will embrace. Does the stress of watching them in the circle make me crazy at times? Heck Ya, Part of the E ticket ride of parenthood and Im always thankful for the fact that they are hard working and driven enough to make me just that crazy.LOL. would not change a darn thing. and Im not going to second guess my emotions,instead Im thankful for the ride.

 

[maksoftball]

Um. Guilty. But let me step back and explain. As a parent of a softball player, I have:

**Taken time out of my day to sit on the bucket to catch her.
**Taken time out of my day to drive her to practices, games, lessons.
**Spent ungodly amounts of $$ for gas, equipment, lessons, team dues, camps, clinics, etc.
**Gotten up out of my warm bed to take her to games at ungodly wee hours of the morning.
**Let my house go to shambles because I am never home due to tournaments, practices, lessons.
**Research the heck out of hitting/pitching mechanics (and I still don't understand it...I am not stupid...it just doesn't click for me LOL).
**Help her research colleges, record games, etc.

I do ALL of this out of love for my daughter. I am her #1 fan, supporter, chauffeur, target practice, bank account, etc. So do I live vicariously through her? Damned right I do. She is mine...flesh and blood. And I couldn't be more proud of who she is today.

Now that I have said that...I have grown as a parent because of this. I started out tentatively, not knowing the grounds of being a parent of an athlete. Then yes, I became hard/critical of her. Then the realization came that I didn't need to be hard on her because she already is. I still had those *bad* feelings when she struck out/made an error (I still do). Then it came about that I am just the background now...way back up in the bleachers. She doesn't need me like she used to. We talk about lots of stuff now...not just softball. We actually joke around way more than we used to. It's fun now...only because we have both grown so much since the beginning. Now I choke up with tears way more than I used to because she is a sophomore...and this seat I have been in is getting smaller and smaller, and this will all be a distant memory. Which is why I have shifted focus and found a football trainer for my son. LOL.

 

[Indiana]

DD is playing 18U for the first time this year. Her team played a round robin a few weeks ago and there was one inning which ended suddenly. I wasn't looking, so I asked others near me what happened. Nobody knew! One parent was reading, one was daydreaming, a few others were chatting. We all laughed since back when we were 10U parents we ALL would have known EXACTLY what had happened. I like to think that as our DD's have grown into their sport, our intense worry has lessened.