Can coach ruin softball dreams, or does kid just need an excuse to quit?

[SoCalDad]

...Little did he know she really wasn't as good as he had seen her play...

I have seen this scenario played out many times in my area. Too many parents jump at TB opportunities without necessarily asking the right questions. Two stories I want to share. My rec leagues best 14U shortstop decided prior to the start of this spring season to join a TB team. Her raw skills were incredible but she needed refinement and needed more reps in the field. The TB team's home fields are over an hour away and the two a weeks primary focus is on building the team skills not on building individual skills rather. The girls are expected to practice on their own. Due to her home situation practicing on her own is not practical. As a result she is riding the bench where in rec ball she would have played virtually every inning. She desperately wanted to return to rec ball for all star season but missed the deadline and will have to stick it out on the TB team. I spoke with her dad and he wishes he had asked more about the team's practices and skill building and what the coach wanted in a starter before she joined.

The second story is about my own DD. Last fall the coach of a Gold level TB team inquired about my DD. DD wanted to play at first since this team was extremely competitive. Me, the coach and my DD sat down and asked a series of questions about what to expect. He was quite honest and told her that she was being brought on as insurance and likely would have had minimal pitching time. She ended up joining an A level team where she had the opportunity to compete for the #1 spot.

 

[mudbug]

Gee whiz, who would have thought that a kid on a team might actually want to PLAY. They are kids, and they all want to play, and they all will get unhappy if they dont.

If a kid isnt good enough to play at least a decent amount of time on a given team, she doesnt belong there, she belongs on a weaker team. She knows it, but usually mommy and daddy just dont get it.

 

[Bishop]

I think I'm glad that we live out here in the sticks. The limited options for playing ball really simplifies things for us.

 

[Lozza]

I just think if you REALLY love it, you don't quit. You muddle through the bad. My DD had a few really bad coaches, she survived them all.

I think to an extent. As a teenager I had a coach who simply didn't rate me. Before I had him I was at state level. After him? Doldrums. Nothing more soul destorying for a teenage girl then to sit on the bench and watch someone playing your position who simply isn't good at it. I lasted five years before I quit. Five years of crying after every tournament, five yeras of my parents begging me to quit, five years of me begging to go to another association (my parents wouldn't let me, my grandfather was president of our association and despite the fact I had school friends whose parents were more than happy to take me every week, they felt it would be disloyal. Hindsite being what it is, they say now they would have changed me) I stopped playing for two years, because this coach sucked the fun out of the game for me.

I went back, a new coach was in and I was back up there. I never got as far as I could have, but I played state league and loved my softball again. I would have continued playing at that level if I hadn't injured myself. I play social now, but I still love the game.

So yes, coaches can kill the love of a game. The situation you described doesn't sound like it, but it is possible.

 

[stemcellsrock]

Being a coach at various levels including one that my DD is on, I am a strong advocate that the players should prove their understanding and necessary skills for a position prior to being able to take it on in a game. Not for winning only but also for safety. Example: 1st or 3rd base requires a certain ability and agility as I know the balls one can come very hard and fast to these positions especially when playing up, as well as 1st receiving many thrown balls that if a player lacks the ability to catch, could result in a big yellow hard ball hitting their pretty little face, not pretty!

With pitching, I believe the players that show me they are truly working on improving should get a chance in the circle. I know who the best pitchers are, and they should pitch the majority of the time, but just because they are the best at 10U does not mean they will be the best at 12U, so I do try to encourage all interested to work at pitching or any skill that is required of a certain position.

In regards to pitching as I think every player at one point or another has said they want to pitch....
What I love to hear, excuse my sarcastic tone, is a parent or player that tells me they have been working on pitching or that they threw 2 really good pitches the other day. I allow them to show me, and I can tell right away if they really have been working or if they only threw 10 pitches during their so called "practicing". I repeat over the entire season to both players and parents that muscle memory is necessary for a pitcher to be successful, and the muscle memory only occurs if the player practices even when not at a scheduled practice. This usually eliminates half of the players as they hear, practice outside of practice... The other thing, is you give them a chance in the circle and that will eliminate another bunch as they soon realize it is not as easy as it looks. The ones you are left with, are the ones who truly want to practice and be successful in that position.

My DD pitches, but not for my team. Only when she practices at home, why, because she is not the best and honestly I think she should practice more.

Then there are coaches who will only play their DD, and I feel sorry for those kids on that team, since I have seen many times where the coaches DD is not the best but is only given that position because their mommy or daddy is the coach. Sorry, but those coaches should not be coaching. I coach for the entire team, not just my daughter. I coach in various levels, even ones that my DD does not play on, why because I love the game and if I can spread that love to other players, it will continue to grow. I love my DD, but as she gets older, I want her to realize that hard work and effort is what creates success both on and off the field. She cannot expect things, she must earn them. It is the parents who have the misconceptions of their children and their abilities. We as coaches can supply the knowledge and teach the skills, but it is up to the players to put those things into action. I can show you how to throw a ball, but if you don't work at it, it does not matter how many times I show you, unfortunately you will never build the muscle memory to throw correctly consistently.

Why play a sport if you don't care about getting better? One parent said once, " Sorry my daughter cannot come to practice as she has dance and you can't tell a dance teacher you are going to miss class", hmmmm but I guess it is ok to tell a Softball coach you are going to miss practice because of dance! This type of non-commitment is why a player does not succeed while the others who come to every practice and work hard find success, love and a passion for whatever it is they do in life!

So, yes a coach can ruin things for a player, but more than likely, it is the player who lacks the desire and self discipline to truly improve their game and chances of success on and off the field. When a parent complains about the situation, those little ears hear every word and they create those feelings in their child. Instead they should support their child positively without making excuses or blaming the coach for their child's inabilities to play a certain position. There should be a rule of no whining in softball from players or parents!

 

[obbay]

I have seen coaches have a significant effect on my DDs development and/or playing time. There's a lot of daddy ball going on.

As far as kids skipping practice to practice something else- it happens. Hopefully it's the exception rather than the rule. if not, that kid is going to slide down in the pecking order. A long time ago, DD did gymnastics (year round) and only went 1x/week on Wednesdays. LL season started and the coach set Wednsday as the day of Practice, so needless to say, she didn't make many practices and played whatever position was left after the coach assigned positions to the rest of the team. But she still played. The coach was nice to her, so it didn't bother her so much. (my wife, on the other hand, was another story!)

Parents pay for all these damn activities our kids are in and we do it in the hopes of creating well-rounded individuals. Also to give them the chance to participate (and maybe even excel) in whatever areas that may be best for them, rather than us. Sometimes my kids have to miss a practice due to a conflict or previous commitment. I don't want a coach or instructor judging my commitment to the group just because it's not the only thing we do. Would you skip a figure skating practice because you had a softball practice? In my case it all depends-I've paid for both and I have to determine which is more important for my DD on that particular day. Is there a competition coming up that she needs as much Ice time as she can get? Is her team in the playoffs or do they have something important they need to learn for the next game?

 

[Jojo]

I believe in the younger ages, it is up to the parent to try and explain to the player that all coaches are not like this, then give them an opportunity the next season with another coach or league.

I explained this to this particular parent. About 20% of my League students do not pitch in their home town leagues, due to coaching/board conflicts. The parent was having none of it, it made her feel better to blame the coach and tell everyone it was the coaches fault that her daughters dreams were ruined.

The parent claimed this was a selfish act on the coaches part. The more I think about it, the more I'm not sure what I would have done given the same situation.
From talking to another parent, it was more than just the win at state. The team was finally pulling together, making great defensive plays, communicating and everyone was hitting the ball well and keeping each other fired up. They had come from behind and were now leading.
What do you do then? Isn't this what you are doing as a coach? Along with skills your teaching the girls how to play as a TEAM. Do you now stop this and replace your pitcher with a weaker pitcher so you can be fair to this one player (even though she is already playing in the field). Does that ruin the game for the rest of the kids? Is it fair for the rest of the kids?
I may have done the same thing this coach did, the only thing different would be maybe to communicate better with the weaker pitcher and her parents. Even then I'm not sure they would have reacted any different.

 

[Amy in AZ.]

I used to tell the parents how the girls could gain more playing time - and being at practice was one of them. I work from a lesson plan and I need to know how many players I need to set up for. I don't just ask the players where they want to play and I stand and hit them balls.

If you miss my practice, you miss proper sliding, how to do a run down, going over our base running signals and strategies, etc. They are all things that are difficult to make up. Now, if a little girl has swimming or some other activity, she has either made her choice of what is important or she is over scheduled.

But, I teach the girls how to play ball and that takes everyone on the team.

There were ways to be excused from practice, but just because she had another practice wasn't a very good excuse. Everyone has some place else, that they probably could be. But school trips and band concerts were always excused.

We only played during the months of March through July in IL., it was not year around. It would be difficult to take piano lessons , etc. if we had played year around.

 

[Brittany'sDad]

Hi Everyone,
My daughter experienced this as a first year 14u player. Since there was only enough players for one team my daughter was placed with the best players. I warned her before the season started that she likely would not see a lot of playing time and also would receive little time on the mound. I told my wife that after the season was over we would know if she really wanted softball or not because of the situation. To Brittany’s credit she intensified her non-team practices (with me) and come the fall she had improved greatly. Two years later she is starting in front of many of those other girls and has even more passion for the game. Not playing can be a strong motivator for the right girl.
Mike

 

[Greenmonsters]

In Jojo's original post, it seemed that it was actually the mother who was looking for an excuse to have her DD stop participating in an acivity that she didn't really enjoy and really wasn't very good at. I think part of the problem is that in this day and age of pay-to-play, political correctness, and "everyone gets a trophy" for trying, we overlook the importance of teaching our kids how to learn from failure. We need to teach our kids and players to accept personal accountability and responsibility, rather than placing the blame elsewhere (i.e., coach, umpires, field conditions, etc.) If a kid has a real passion for a particular sport or activity, failure can be the greatest impetus to work harder and improve. Alternatively, there's no shame in abandoning a sport or activity because they a kid doesn't like it and/or isn't good at it (just do it after you've completed your commitment!).

GM