Can coach ruin softball dreams, or does kid just need an excuse to quit?

[Jojo]

I pose this question after a couple of conversations I had last week with some parents.

One confronted me during my pitching class, announcing her child would not be pitching nor playing softball anymore because her coach ruined it for her by not allowing her to pitch in a game. She said I would get an e-mail when I got home, so apparently she texted me during the game then saw me and ran over to me before the game was even over.

She said her child wasn't going to bust her butt practicing pitching if she wasn't going to pitch in games.
I asked around and found out the game was really close, it would determine a second place finish for the team and the team was playing well. The coach wanted to let them win and not put her in, which normally results in numerous walks and hits.
I explained this to the mom (delicately) and she said the coaches job wasn't to win the game it was to be fair to all the players, and now her daughter is so devastated she will never play again.

Well since I coach this kid, I know her a little, she is whiny and hates practices and rarely practices, which is why she is not as talented as the other pitchers.

I see this as an excuse for her daughter to use to quit, and the mom as well. Blame it on the coach.

Another parent overheard this conversation and said his high school daughter quit after her coach refused to play her. He said the coach ruined it for her.

Again, I'm thinking....excuse. High school.....boys, jobs, more time for friends, why play softball and sit the bench? Blame it on the coach.

I just think if you REALLY love it, you don't quit. You muddle through the bad.
My DD had a few really bad coaches, she survived them all.

But I always told her, if you quit, you cannot blame anyone. You quit because YOU want to.

I'm curious about your thoughts, and if you believe a coach can ruin dreams and if so should coaches be aware of this and have some responsibility for it.

 

[sluggers]

Think of this from the child's perspective. Is it a crime that the child doesn't like softball? Is her life going to be changed because she won't learn to throw a riseball? Of course not. If she doesn't like the sport, she shouldn't waste 10 more minutes worrying about it.

In your scenario, the child is acting like a rational adult, and the parents are being childish. If a she isn't good enough to play, and she doesn't enjoy sitting the bench, then she should quit. (and why not?) The child is just trying to find some way "out" of the situation. The parent isn't listening to the child.

Avoid demonizing the child for not loving softball. Honestly, the game is a pain in the a**. Games don't start on time. Idiots surround the softball field offering ludicrous advice. Parents believe every DD is destined to be the starting shortstop for Team USA. Every dad thinks he is an expert on softball because he played on his HS freshman team.

I just think if you REALLY love it, you don't quit. You muddle through the bad. My DD had a few really bad coaches, she survived them all.

Totally agree.

DD#1 and DD#3 had the same HS softball coach. DD#1 loved softball, and she put with the softball coach. DD#3 liked softball--but she also played tennis, basketball and ran track. DD#3 quit softball after her sophomore year. DD#3 wasn't willing to put up with the crap for softball--but she did put up with the similar stuff on the hoops team. She liked basketball more than softball.

 

[SoCalDad]

Ruin a dream? Certainly. The problem is players on the margin often live in a world full of dreams and short on practice and hard work. Their parents reinforce this dream world with statements like, "If only the coach gave you more play time...". The player accepts these statements and it become the coaches shortcomings that result in lack of play time or preferred playing position rather than their own shortcomings in improving their skill level.

 

[redhotcoach]

Yeah there are a lot of coaches that stink. I am sure every parent doesn't love me, but after a certain young age, pretty close to the top of list for every coach is to get a win. A win at all costs? No. But in a close or important game, the best players at each postition play. I have coached two of my dd's, both have spent time pitching. One pc asked my daughter with me there how she did that week. DD said "HE didn't put me in circle in either game". I said "You are not our best pitcher, we needed our best pitcher, you have every opportunity she has to be the best pitcher, and if you work and become the best pitcher, then you will play more." PC said "that sounds reasonable to me." Since then dd has been a lot more pleasant to coach.

That DD has had two PCs and the current one (the one I was talking about), takes no garbage from the girls. She to DD in the first lesson," if we have a future, you and I will be good friends, and you and I will butt heads, and know this, I will win everytime." DD really respects her. He first PC was ok, but we really appreciate current PC talking about the emotional stresses and proper attitudes in being a pitcher.

PCs most often have to hear from the girls how they did in games. I know my dd would be selective with what she shares. I have seen more and more whiny and emotional young girls pitching against us this year then ever before. Just last week we were all over a girl, got 7 runs in one inning and I could see she was about to cry, and would keep looking at her dad coach and saying things I could her, but could tell it was something whiny and she was blaming him. Next batter no one is on, and my girls hits to right center, she runs to second and the second basegirl misses the tag. The pitcher blows up, yells at her, then starts yelling at coach/dad that has to call time, go to her and try to calm her down. I came so close to telling him that he needs to bench her.

Anyway, anything you PCs can do is appreciated by us coaches. You usually have better relationships with the parents than we do, and understand more what the girls are going through

 

[stephanie]

more often than not, I see the parents crushing the dreams.

 

[obbay]

I've posted recently about a coach DD has had that sucked the fun out of the game for her. Not because he made her work, but because he clearly favored others over her who were no more deserving. Quick to criticize her and quick to forgive the others.

All of a sudden he has grown tired of playing one of the girls who just isn't that into the game, makes constant errors and is frequently out of position. and he's moved DD to a position she would like to play. in a matter of days she went from being ready to quit to not getting enough!

Also there is the story of a girl DD's age who was basically benched and allowed to play only the minimum number of innings that would keep the coaches out of trouble. She was a decent player but she didn't fit into the coaches pre-determined plan. She was ready to quit but her dad made her stick it out (even though it killed him). The next year instead of staying on that team, she went back in the draft and wound up on another team. The team came in close to last place but she had a great time and her love of the game came back stronger than ever.

As a coach, I always try to find the kids who enjoy playing and teach them to play better. At the same time, I take the other kids and try to teach them to enjoy playing the game.

I also try to avoid acquiring kids with wacky parents. Doesn't always work. I've had mothers telling my wife to tell me to do this and that or tell their DD to fix her hat or not play so deep, etc.

So I say that SOMETIMES coaches can ruin the game for kids, but it is rare. more the exception than the rule.
In my DD's case, everyone else on the team loved this coach. just bad chemistry.

 

[Wookie]

I'd have to say it depends on the situation, and the girl. DD the other week said she didn't want to play travel next year. I said ok, but why - she had gotten much better and really seemed to ejoy herself. She said that she didn't like coach X, who is an assistant. I told her that coach X probably would not move up in age level, like she is, since coach X's DD is staying at the same level. She said "OK, then I'll play". It had nothing to do with the game, or her ability, but her perceived idea of what next year was going to be like.

As I stated in other posts, kids are much smarter than we give them credit. When I asked DD further why she didn't like coach X, it came out that only a few of the girls get any real coaching, that those same girls can break the rules without retribution, that they are the "favorites", etc. I explained that that will happen in almost every situation - school, work, relationships, etc. - but you can do either of two things: quit, or ignore it and do your best anyway. Quitting does not solve the problem or get you what you want, whereas working throught the problem will make you stronger in the long run.

The DD in the original post will most likely find fault in everyone and everything she does for the rest of her life. She'll quit a relationship for trivial reasons, quit a job because her supervisor looked at her funny, blame someone because her life isn't where she wants it to be. And the mother is only reinforcing this mindset. And it's not just softball either. I hear the same things from the baseball parents in the area - my kid is great, why isn't he playing up with the older boys!?!!?

Yes, coaches can suck the fun and dreams out of a girl, but if it's easily "sucked" out by not getting her way, was that dream really that important to her in the first place?

 

[Damiansports]

Obbay.
I have seen your two stories played out in our rec league a few times and with the same coach every year.
The problem is that he runs the softbball league and does a decent job,but a good coach he is not.
I was supposed to coach a team and he was going to coach another(for his granddaughter) but we only had enough girls for one team sign up for majors.
Of coarse, after two weeks there were more girls looking to sign up.There were a few girls that werent going to play if he was there coach,so now im his assistant
just because of these few girls that wanted me to coach and DD of coarse.
He thinks he can give the girls there money back and send them on there way, because they are not doing things as well as the others.This is rec.Not a travel team looking to go to Worlds.
I beleive a coach can ruin it for the girls. So i hope i can keep him in check this season.
I think the parents can also do the same.
We have one girl that does not want to play(she told me the last 2 yrs) but her mom is making her and she is deathly scared of the ball,someone is ganna get hurt.I think i will sit down with this mom tonight and discuss it further.

 

[SoCalDad]

I found the following article on 'What makes a good coach' several years ago and recommend it to all coaches. It includes survey results from kids so it has a perspective that is a bit unique from some of the more standard good coaching articles I have read.

What Makes a Good Coach?

 

[Amy in AZ.]

I had a mediocre young lady playing for me at 12U rec. One day the local TB coach was watching her and she had a fabulous game. She played what I call "over her head." So, without asking me, the TB coach recruited her for his team.

Little did he know she really wasn't as good as he had seen her play.

So, his solution was to never play her. She sat the bench. So, she went from getting playing time at the level she needed to be at, to a very unhappy young lady. Her mom turned in the uniform and she refused to even play school ball after that.