Best parenting for a true competitor being thrust into rec-ball attitudes

[RubberBiscuit]

So I will keep this high level and want to see if any of you mid/later teen parents have had success with one approach or another in this kind of case:

DD excels in sports. She focuses on SB and did well enough to get wanted by a college. Meanwhile she still loves VB and goes back to play the HS season each year.

DD has been successful in her SB endeavors because she is a TRUE competitor. She hates to lose and will never give up. Great for her achieving her goals (but difficult in arguments let me tell ya!!!)

When she goes back to HS VB she always needs to integrate from her TB team of true competitors to a group of mildly talented but always limited by "rec-ball-attitude" varsity VB players. (not cutting them here - just defining them)

Example - the "best" VB player will after a bad VB loss she will lend solidly to will just immediately get back into her giggly mode and act like nothing ever happened. This will make DD's blood boil.

Anyone have any parenting advice for a very competitive DD that has allot of difficulty dealing with a team plum full of rec-ball-player attitudes?

 

[GatorGirl]

I guess you have to ask yourself why she goes back to VB if it bothers her so much. She must find enjoyment on some level. Being a kid is about having fun and there really isn't anything wrong with "rec-ball-player attitudes". If she already is wanted by a college, I would say your goals for her are met, your hard work is rewarded. Both of you sit back and enjoy it a bit.

 

[CoogansBluff]

You just have to give her perspective, IMO. ... As an ultra competitive person, she is the outlier on this team, not her teammates. It's not realistic at many high schools to find 12 volleyball players, or perhaps even 2-3, who are going to want to win as badly as she does. In fact, even in the world of travel softball, you had to find a special team for her. Not many travel teams have as many ultra-competitive players on it as the one she is on (assuming it's a high-end showcase team). So her volleyball team is more similar to real life. She either has to accept it or inspire her teammates to be more like her. That's a hard job. Getting visibly frustrated at them or lecturing them won't work. But the lesson here is that she is learning about herself, who she is, her values. Might help her make career choices. She might need to do something where everyone is passionate, or else she won't be happy. Just part of life.

 

[BadMonkeys]

I would suggest that the way we differ in dealing with defeat or failure does not imply one did not care when competing.

 

[redhotcoach]

Sports physiologists are well worth it! I don't have "mid/late teen", but I once was one .

We are heavy into Brain Cain at our house. Plus listen to anything Sue Enquist puts out and have her "mental toughness" dvd. Biggest single item is having a "circle of influence" etc. You kid...and all kids...can not control and should not waste their energy on things that are out of their "circle of influence"...such as how teammates react to a loss. My oldest (early teen), has come from a very unhealthy point of anger after loss, to a point of quiet (just leave me alone) self reflection.

Now to work on my soccer player!!! She is a great player, and "for developement", they team up the best with the worst...if someone doesn't get a beat down before we can instill the "circle of influence" it will be a victory.

 

[JAD]

Going from a high level TB team to a HS team in any sport is typically going to be a BIG drop in the level of competition. I try to tell my DD to play TB for competition and HS ball for "fun".....

 

[softball_mom#7]

My DD sounds similar to yours. I remind her quite a bit that everyone handles things differently. Life would be so boring if we were all the same. Remind her she can't really change them but can learn to appreciate them for who they are and what they bring to the team.

 

[RubberBiscuit]

I guess you have to ask yourself why she goes back to VB if it bothers her so much. She must find enjoyment on some level. Being a kid is about having fun and there really isn't anything wrong with "rec-ball-player attitudes". If she already is wanted by a college, I would say your goals for her are met, your hard work is rewarded. Both of you sit back and enjoy it a bit.

She does LOVE the VB sport itself. And her "bestie" at HS plays VB.

I would love for her to sit back and enjoy it - but she gets into competition and her "nature" just takes over.

She had another "weird" moment where many on the rest of her team were bashing the coach for this & that (of course while he wasn't around). My DD stood up and scolded the other players for "deflecting" the bad play. (also the bashing of the coach the other girls were doing was being done right in front of some visiting JV players AND families!!!) Then after getting high-fives from those parents and most of the players -individually- for standing up for what's right, the team sort of alienates DD now like they are scared of her... It's a weird dynamic going on....

 

[RubberBiscuit]

I would suggest that the way we differ in dealing with defeat or failure does not imply one did not care when competing.

Good point - I think one could say that the other girls are just distracting themselves maybe from the discomfort of a bad loss. But then why do they engage in the "deflecting" bashing of the coach that I mention above? I think there MIGHT be character issues with the ones that think they are competitors, but really might not be.... I dunno. I wish I had the Spock parenting book on this one..

 

[BadMonkeys]

Good point - I think one could say that the other girls are just distracting themselves maybe from the discomfort of a bad loss. But then why do they engage in the "deflecting" bashing of the coach that I mention above? I think there MIGHT be character issues with the ones that think they are competitors, but really might not be.... I dunno. I wish I had the Spock parenting book on this one..

I don't know if the coach bashing was related or not but I would say your DD did the right thing by speaking up. I don't know how she said it. We could always chose our words more carefully. That alienated feeling often goes hand in hand with doing the right thing. That's a good life lesson for her there.