How should kids feel about losing?

[NVfishing]

My oldest daughter is still haunted by a couple pitches. She says she will always remember certain losses. Championships. One pitch away from winning, a strike down the middle that didn't get called and a passed ball that caused a loss.

 

[InsidePitch]

DD was pretty quiet on the way home after losing 3-2 in the semi's. Finally I asked it everything was ok and she said she was disappointed they lost. Felt like they should have won and they probably should have but two extra outs cost them two runs.

She played well stopping two runs at home with great put outs. I asked, did you play your best and she said she did and she felt like the team did. Finally, trying to think of something meaningful I came up with. Sometimes our best isn't good enough to over come the efforts of our opponents. Then I reminded her that in tournament ball next weekend is a new season.

The ice cream on the way home seemed to fix a lot of it.

 

[BaldNBeautiful]

The ice cream on the way home seemed to fix a lot of it.

Eventually Ice Cream won't cut.
As Doris said in 'A League Of Their Own' "I am so hungry I could eat a COW!"

 

[GOINGDEEP]

That's why HS sports doesn't hold much meaning for many players.

I don't know, and maybe I've pulled this out of context. For TB there is always next weekend, the next BIG tourney on the list. But HS sports is a different animal. You have to approach EVERY conference game as a "must win", you're seeding for playoffs. At the end of the season most games are "do or die" "loser leave town", those games mean much more than TB because they decide when your season ends. TB we can lose Nats and still play the very next weekend or all fall. This is where I believe some are looking at HS ball the wrong way. The formula is close to a college format, where certain games must be won to seed into a good slot, survive, and have advantages.

We should be "teaching" our kids to evaluate the HS run as not only a pre-college test, but as a life lesson. I always sat down with DD and discussed how A ( game ) determines how B ( game ) effects C ( game ), then D ( game ) happens because of C, and makes E ( game ) more to our dis/advantage, etc. If you lose B, then C/D/E have to be recalculated.

Travel ball kids come to that realization pretty quickly.

I totally agree here. Like you, I believe they have faced losing enough ( we all have ) that although it still "stings"........they have mentally grown enough to understand its not the end of the world. Which I believe is great, they cope with disappointment, and real life has a bunch of that.

One thing I noticed at HS state last week. When another team would take the field I'm pointing out "#2, #5, #11, #18 etc.........play for ______ or ______ or _______ TB teams". When a team was eliminated I saw the TB ( and/or college bound ) players just shake it off. The HS players only girls were crying a river.

I think every girl/boy who loves the diamond game needs both experiences of TB and HS. The good, the bad, and the ugly. There are many valuable lessons from both that stick with you a lifetime.

 

[CoogansBluff]

Good post, GD. ... I think you're right about HS ball. I probably misspoke. Those TB players who are on competitive teams, and especially very good teams, definitely have their hearts into it. I guess I was thinking more about those whose HS teams aren't so good who look down on it.

 

[Cannonball]

Coogansbluff, I don't think that there is a correct answer for this. Personally, I'm a terrible looser. As a coach, I found it almost impossible to sleep after a loss. I hated those losses that left some time until the next game and so, my dd grew up in that household. She and her team were eliminated in the NCAAs and so, she came up to me after the game and just came undone. The AD had walked over to console her some just as I was telling her how proud I am of her and that anything in life worth all of the commitment, pain and sacrifice should hurt when it is over. The AD remarked that she wished everyone had heard that. Yet, as you noted, there are other reactions as well and who is to say what is right or wrong.

 

[GOINGDEEP]

One thing I see more and more is we don't "allow" our kids to fail/lose. And then we wonder why they can't handle it, or how we should "help" them handle it. That's why I strongly disagree with games that don't keep score, programs that don't hand out individual awards for achievement. This is a game, but the lessons learned along the way can carry over to adulthood.

Do you want your players to hate to lose? Is that a good quality in an athlete?

I'm not sure "hate" is the right word. But yes, our youth should dislike the feeling of not performing their best or if an outcome is less than positive. Does losing or failure happen? Absolutely.

The difference in a successful person ( or athlete ) is the one who accepts failure, but recognizes the mistakes......grows from the experience.......and pushes themselves to do better next time. Even if that means "losing" again. If everyone pushes themselves to do better, the whole team will soon see the positive effects. Very few cases in the life of success are individual, somewhere it was a group effort, somewhere someone lent a hand and inspired to improve.

 

[Indiana]

I think GD summed it up perfectly. DD's team had a disappointing loss this weekend - one in which the team could have/should have done much better. DD just came home afterwards and went up to her room and shut the door (14U). There really was no talking to her for about 2 hours, after which she got together with a friend and was more or less OK. My DH, on the other hand, was pretty much a puddly mess for the entire weekend. He and I were remembering back to our own high-school age playing days, we pretty much reacted the same way our DD did. Mad and upset for a little while, but then OK, ready to move on and do better next time.

I react much differently as a parent - I think I am much more upset by a loss and much more elated by a win, but it's also a completely different feeling all around. The most difficult thing, I think, is seeing that our feelings, as parents, are different than our DD's feelings as players. The best way we can help our DD's is by remembering back, to the best of our ability, our own playing days and how we reacted. Man, I wish I was playing again. So much easier!

On the flip side, DD's team has won some very close, competitive games. During the games, I personally didn't really care about the outcome; they were such good games and everyone was playing very very well. Later my DD told me how devastated she would have been if they had lost. You could have knocked me over with a feather on that one.

 

[DOG310]

Great posts. I do think we have to let the player's personality come through. I've seen professionals at their very peak smile after losing the Super Bowl and others seem devastated. Also, remember my playing days when we all put on the gloomy face for a whole week to please the coaches.

DD deals with it like some have said. Hates losing more than she loves winning. If time allows she will go into a 2 hour quiet/pout period and come out later, usually after texting a team mate, ready to move on.

During a tournament when time does not allow, she seems to suck it up and drive on. (for her it has taken many games to get to that point)

 

[Eric F]

You have made me think about this! Here is how I would illustrate it:

Your first group Those who feel terrible about losing. Losing hurts. These athletes may be sad or angry, or even embarrassed if they perform poorly. They don't want to talk on the ride home. These feelings are what fuel their competitive nature. This is what I would call the "Agonize Group"

Your Second group, the "Analyze Group" Those who don't dwell on the past. They leave it on the field. They move on. They analyze what went wrong and learn from it, and they are determined to get better, but they get over their team's losses or their own poor performances quickly. They're in a good mood in the car ride home, wondering what's for dinner.

and lastly what I would call the "Avoidance Group" Those who do not seem to care how the game went. Maybe it is an act, maybe they do not have any competitive fire, or maybe they do not want the score to define them.

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Personally I think it is good to a mix of girls from the Agonize and the Analyze groups.

From my observation, you've nailed it. My DD's 8U All-Star team is mostly Agonize (my DD fits here) and Analyze personalities, but there is one who is clearly an Avoidance personality. She's a naturally skilled player, but could be a lot better if she put in more effort to improving.