DD had me furious

[SCDad]

BS or not, you can't make a child do what he or she doesn't want to do, or else it becomes about you. At some point, the kid has to have internal motivation, and it could just be by understanding the consequences of not doing it. If it is a showcase, then there is no reason to dress and support it. There is not contest going on, just personal exposure. Perhaps going and watching it will give her an appreciation of it. Most showcases have less coaches than advertised but maybe this one is the gem not to be missed next year.

If some outside negative influence is creeping in, it is, however the responsibility of the parent, coach or other adult authority, within reason, to put a stop to it immediately, with some repercussions for the kid

There are embedded lessons in this post which are spot on.

Some parents "parent" by telling their child what to do and expecting (making) her to adhere to it. Others parent by guiding, teaching, and carefully watching their child. Encourage their child to make her own decisions. And step in when their decisions are obviously wrong, or harmful.

As a single Dad, and being her primary caregiver, I constantly evaluated whether her decisions were "wrong" or just "different". Almost always they were just "different" for she is a female and not a male like Dad. Her decisions usually will be different.

Many dads can be the disciplinarian. The Mom and DD have this connection. But taking the time to try to understand DD's mind is the key and an activity most dads do not engage.

So the OP's DD is not ready to "strike out" on her own. Perhaps Dad has been dictating her life, and she is afraid of charging ahead by herself. Dad should give her space, then have a heart to heart conversation when the drama is less. tell her he supports her decisions, it is OK to take a break, and help her transition to being in charge of her own life. Versus just doing what dad wants. Explain to her the benefits softball can bring, but ONLY if DD wants it herself.

Before you know it, DD will be a grown woman, and Dad will not be able to dictate much of anything. The sooner a dad makes this transition for a young lady to adult, the deeper and better his relationship to DD will be.

A perfect example of this that dad's may understand and some may fear. If a DD is brought up to only do what Dad says. Guess what, she will look for that in her future mate/husband. On the surface some may think this is fine. But I have sat and watched many a DD with a dictator dad become "hooked up" in high school sooner. They want a boy to tell her what to do. Versus my DD who is in charge of her life. Understands what the boys are after, and knows she is not ready. And has been taught by her dad that her opinion matters and has the strength of character to tell the boys you are only getting close enough to DD on "her" terms.

I know this seems like outer space stuff to some Dads, especially the coaching Dads.

 

[riseball]

Now we are totally in the weeds.

 

[SCDad]

Now we are totally in the weeds.

Probably ... for to many my DD is a failure. Made it to the cusp and has offers on the table to go to college and play softball. But turned her back on it. A coaches DD probably would be playing college softball. Probably would enjoy playing college softball.

To each his own. Riseball has his opinion, and who am I to say different or to even indicate he is wrong. He may be exactly right for his DD and family. My stories are just that. True stories of my softball experience. The ending for me, personally came up short to what "I" wanted. But my life with DD has already transitioned from an adult/child to adult/adult. That is more important to me. Plus we have one more HS season left, and this last season will be savored.

 

[RubberBiscuit]

Starting fresh here -

There are two things NEEDING respect here.

One is the injury (or not).

The second is the commitment DD made (assuming not just you) to the exposure team.

If you would ask what I would do,... I would -

First schedule a doctors visit for DD (if she is faking - this might make her change her mind since a clean bill of health in the face of this last minute decision might be something she will want to avoid.)

Second - I would tell DD that she is going to go along with the team on the original travel plan because SHE also committed to that team. (If she is looking to stay home to see boyfriend or if she is just being slightly overwhelmed by belonging to this better team having her still travel, but not get dressed, might go a long way regardless of the knee injured or not)

 

[riseball]

Probably ... for to many my DD is a failure. Made it to the cusp and has offers on the table to go to college and play softball. But turned her back on it. A coaches DD probably would be playing college softball. Probably would enjoy playing college softball.

Bottom line is that she played the game, learned from it, and even got offers. More than can be said for the minions of mall rats and video game junkies out there. Had a few players who ultimately decided that college softball was not for them. They all ended up fine.

As to my post I was not seriously suggesting forcing someone to play or even dress out. Rather by removing the objection "my knee hurts" it may very well provide insight into what is really happening.

 

[YOCOACH]

Starting fresh here -

There are two things NEEDING respect here.

One is the injury (or not).

The second is the commitment DD made (assuming not just you) to the exposure team.

If you would ask what I would do,... I would -

First schedule a doctors visit for DD (if she is faking - this might make her change her mind since a clean bill of health in the face of this last minute decision might be something she will want to avoid.)

Second - I would tell DD that she is going to go along with the team on the original travel plan because SHE also committed to that team. (If she is looking to stay home to see boyfriend or if she is just being slightly overwhelmed by belonging to this better team having her still travel, but not get dressed, might go a long way regardless of the knee injured or not)

I would probably do the same or a similar thing. If DD told me she wanted to play for this team and I had paid the money, made the hotel reservations/travel plans, you better believe she will honor her commitment; especially if it will leave the team short. If I sound like a control freak....too bad. This is about owning her decisions at her age and taking responsibility for them. Otherwise, how in the world do they become responsible adults?

 

[SCDad]

I would probably do the same or a similar thing. If DD told me she wanted to play for this team and I had paid the money, made the hotel reservations/travel plans, you better believe she will honor her commitment; especially if it will leave the team short. If I sound like a control freak....too bad. This is about owning her decisions at her age and taking responsibility for them. Otherwise, how in the world do they become responsible adults?

I 2nd this response. I always made DD honor her commitments.

It does beg to question on who made the commitment. Did dad make the commitment without an honest on open discussion with DD, and get "her" to make this commitment. Or did dad make the commitment, and "tell" his DD she was going to play without an open dialog.

I always had a specific conversation with DD about the commitments DD was to make, because then she knew she had to honor them. I did not commit DD unless this specific commitment was discussed, and she indeed did commit. It is part of treating her like an adult at a young age.

It goes both ways. In order to enforce her adult responsibilities to honor her commitments, it is imperative the discussion is made and the DD makes the commitment herself to the dad beforehand, without her arm being twisted, being badgered, and/or ordered to make the commitment by a controlling dad.

This point cannot be stated enough. I have had numerous conversations with coaches who wanted my DD to play for them. My response was DD has not made the commitment specifically to me. Told the coach to get her he should speak with her directly and get her to commit directly to the coach. By the time my DD was 13 or so, coaches were talking to her, and I became an adviser because these discussions were coach to player, and my DD was already speaking on her behalf. Acting like an adult should, without dad.

 

[SoAZDad]

YOCOACH and SCDad are ABSOLUTELY in line with my philosophy of finishing your commitments. My DD had friends trying out for BB, so she did and a few, incuding her, made the 6th grade team. The coach was great, but DD hated it and wanted to quit after the 2nd practice because (I'm pretty sure) she never conditioned that hard before. I told her once again, "you made the decision, now finish the season." There were a few pretty rough parenting moments, but I stuck to my guns and she finished.

 

[bucket pinata]

everybodys DD is different and without knowing her thru the years it would be hard to judge what is going on. That being said with my DDs and knowing their personalities It would have to be a on crutches type catastrophic injury to keep them from going to a game like that with players like that. Right now you have to pry info out of them concerning any game limiting injury. Not saying its a good thing,just the way it is. So If I was in your shoes Id have to ask myself is the Passion for the game starting to fade.