'HONEY you should have had that grounder'

[Tango]

I'm 50 and coach my son's team (11) and my daughters team. I have been know to yell that a girl when my son threw a great pitch. Not on purpose. Fire me.

 

[radness]

Let's clear up a few things.

The team in question is 16U. I said that it's probably okay up until 12, but after that it's questionable. So while I'm thrilled your daughter finds it hilarious that someone calls her honey (BTW, what would be funny about that? Endearing or offensive, sure. But hilarious? And then she jokes about someone using a term of endearment towards her?), we aren't really talking about girls of your daughter's age. Girls who are older have a different set of experiences with these kids of things than girls who are younger.

When she asked girls that age about it. RAD said they uniformly didn't like it. 12-year-olds didn't mind. I asked my 16-year-old DD. She thought it was icky. She asked her teammates. They thought it was icky. So while it doesn't apply to you (yet) or RH (yet) I'm betting that if you actually asked 16u girls, most would find it icky when an older man refers to them that way.

And notice that I said MAN. Justified or not, the same kind of thing doesn't sound as condescending coming from a woman. The connotations are, as someone pointed out, more maternal. And because there aren't any sexual connotations with it.

And it's not that we don't like it. It's that the girls don't. RAD asked, the girls answered they didn't like it. I asked my DD and her team, they answered the same. Parents of girls that age were asked (the ones RAD talked to, me) and we didn't like it. That's evidence. Not inclusive of every experience, but evidence.

And yet you argue against it, citing some old-school code.

You know what's old school? I read a Dear Abby from '76 where a woman was concerned her husband was having an affair at work, Abby's advice? Work harder to keep him satisfied at home. Old school was saying girls asked for it. Old school was the uniforms the Racine Belles wore. Old school was bosses telling secretaries to wear shorter skirts, old school was "my wife. I think I'll keep her" and ads showing wives getting spankings from their husbands. It's men feeling comfortable calling some other person's teenage daughter "honey" or "sweetheart," and expecting her to take it like a compliment.

That's not some sort of old-school code. It's just inconsiderate.

Well said about the age in this! Teenagers do have a perspective that has generally moved from being a child to transition to adults. In a huge big way figuring out social boundaries is happening.

So a few things to cover here. For starters why do you care so much that my daughter finds it funny when someone calls her honey? Because she thinks it's goofy and we don't as a rule use the word a lot in our house. Maybe "hilarious" was too strong, sorry you seem to have a problem with that as well. Worry about yourself a little more and everyone else e little less chief, I'm tired of people like you always judging everyone. Since this started about 300 pages ago I guess I forgot that the original question pertained to 16 year old's but I stand by my initial response, if someone calls a 16 year old a word she doesn't like then she should ask them to stop. Pretty easy. As far as it being ok for a woman and not a man, your argument doesn't hold water but why would it when you think you make the rules. If there is no place for the word on a softball field then that's the rule, period. It's ok because women are maternal but men are always implying something sexual? I didn't cite any old school code, I said some of you are telling us "old school" guys that we are wrong and must change because you say so. I don't need your judgement and neither does anyone else. The question was if the use of a word was appropriate, doesn't require a bunch of social justice warriors to tell everyone else that their opinion is wrong. Have a nice day, I'm out of this one.

Let me say, i agree we/people should speak up. Use our voices.

BUT your post suggests a teenager who is being put into a situation ON HER TEAM TOWARD THE COACH to tell AN ADULT WHO IS IN AUTHORITY what to say or not.
* in authority over playing time!
* in authority over her spot on the roster!

SERIOUSLY how many parents will not speak up to a coach regarding ANY team issues simply because we all know gripey parents can effect playing time.

Think it through,
Player approach the coach
"hey stop calling me honey you make it uncomfortable"
Coach responds shocked or pissed or disturbed or saddened.
50/50 chance now the coach is also uncomfortable.
What then?
All because words that have nothing to do with coaching and are un-necessary were being used.


As for the comment about whomevers dd laughing or giggling being called honey...
BTW giggling is an emotional response!
That is an example of
*How people respond differently tonthese type of words!
Which is a big point to this topic!
Which is made even clearer by the responses in this thread of posts.

 

[_MIA_]

I'm 50 and coach my son's team (11) and my daughters team. I have been know to yell that a girl when my son threw a great pitch. Not on purpose. Fire me.

Is your DD older than your son? I have two sons who are younger than my DD and I do that sometimes too..lol.

 

[MikeP]

Let me say, i agree we/people should speak up. Use our voices.

BUT your post suggests a teenager who is being put into a situation ON HER TEAM TOWARD THE COACH to tell AN ADULT WHO IS IN AUTHORITY what to say or not.
* in authority over playing time!

SERIOUSLY how many parents will not speak up to a coach regarding team issues simply because we all know gripey parents can effect playing time.

I agree, probably not a conversation a kid can have with an adult.

 

[_MIA_]

I think there are two issues here. First is whether you personally think it is ok to say the word, the second is whether or not you would change your behavior should you be told that you saying that word made somebody feel uncomfortable..I would like to think most people would change their behavior (at least with regards to that particular person) if they knew they were hurting somebody and to me that is all that really matters. Human decency..you know that whole Good Samaritan thing from the Bible, etc., etc.

 

[FP26]

I'm seriously baffled that this type of anger and resentment can be created by a term such as "honey". There are many other words in the English language that I find far more offending. Reading this thread has made me feel proud to be an introvert.

By the way, get off my lawn!!

 

[radness]

 

[radness]

I'm seriously baffled that this type of anger and resentment can be created by a term such as "honey". There are many other words in the English language that I find far more offending. Reading this thread has made me feel proud to be an introvert.

By the way, get off my lawn!!

Perhaps its not anger or resentment that occurs.
Maybe its an uncomfortable thing?

 

[radness]

LOL
is passing gas in an elevator ok?
just let it fly no matter where we are?
After all its just natural.

Wonder how many people stop...
(Pinch in) lol
And consider where they are
And who their around?!

 

[FP26]

Perhaps its not anger or resentment that occurs.
Maybe its an uncomfortable thing?

Sorry. What I am seeing in some of these posts looks more like anger and resentment to me.

My daughter is currently away at college but will be home next week (semester is ending). I plan to talk to her about some of these things. As far as I know, she is not offended or uncomfortable by that type of word, although she is very offended and uncomfortable about other words. She has a thyroid issue and has been on medication since she was 8. She has been overweight since then and has had to deal with snarky comments about her weight for a long time. Seriously, I doubt "honey" is going to bother her at all. If I'm wrong, I will let you know.