Daughter too hard on herself...

[thattooty]

Hey everyone!

What do we do when our daughters are just simply being too darn hard on themselves? My daughter is a (recent 2/6 bday) 11 year old - pitcher (10u A level). She's an absolute wonderful little pitcher - great strike percentage for her age. Averages around 75% accuracy each and every game she's on the mound, throws 48mph FB and solidified a handful of pitches under her belt. Other teams/coaches 'know her' and other girls look up to her just based upon her performance. Awhile back, she had, we'll call it a 'panic attack' during an off-season bull pen. This was totally new to all of us. When asked 'what was wrong' she suggested she's not throwing strikes enough. She was doing just fine. For whatever reason, she's concerned if the ball isn't going directly down the middle, it's 'terrible' and goes into her fight or flight mode...again. A high strike, inside/outside strike are not acceptable in her eyes. As parents, we're starting to feel a little defeated. Anytime we encourage her it's, 'You're just saying that', etc. This 'behavior' has also started to show while doing lessons with her pitching coaches. (Whom are both amazing.) She does 'Mental Strength' training weekly under her organization as well as Pitching specific Mental training's when available there as well. We've asked her if she's overwhelmed and if she would like to take a step back, which I realized was probably the wrong thing to ask as it set her off - she loves Softball - she loves Pitching so of course her answer to that was NO. We've explained to her having a bad attitude will hold her back and get her benched (Yes, I've specifically told her coach to bench her if she shows any sort of attitude during game play - thankfully that has yet to happen. Upper Midwest, our season starts in three weeks. Keep your fingers crossed for us!) I also realize we're coming up on this pubescent age and that could be a factor as well. If anybody has some advice or techniques, please share! I know we're not that only ones who have gone through this and I'm desperate to help my little lady out!

Edited to add: She does a 1 hour team Pitching/Catching practice weekly. 1 hour private lesson every 1-2 weeks and a half hour on her own twice weekly.

 

[CoachCeetar]

What does "mental strength" entail? Because it sounds like it might not be working? This is one of those things where I feel like everyone's different and while there might be a billion suggestions, roughly none of them might actually work for any specific person. Maybe there's a different person/sports psychologist she can talk to, if that's not what the "mental strength" thing is? Sometimes that stuff can be laden with machismo which can be detrimental..

Obviously pitching shouldn't be down the middle anyway. Even if she "misses" her spot, that miss can setup the hitter in a different way, so I'd think about looking forward and using the "mistake" to inform and better the next pitch. Missed high and raised the eye level of the batter? throw one low and watch them swing over it

 

[chinamigarden]

Hey everyone!

What do we do when our daughters are just simply being too darn hard on themselves? My daughter is a (recent 2/6 bday) 11 year old - pitcher (10u A level). She's an absolute wonderful little pitcher - great strike percentage for her age. Averages around 75% accuracy each and every game she's on the mound, throws 48mph FB and solidified a handful of pitches under her belt. Other teams/coaches 'know her' and other girls look up to her just based upon her performance. Awhile back, she had, we'll call it a 'panic attack' during an off-season bull pen. This was totally new to all of us. When asked 'what was wrong' she suggested she's not throwing strikes enough. She was doing just fine. For whatever reason, she's concerned if the ball isn't going directly down the middle, it's 'terrible' and goes into her fight or flight mode...again. A high strike, inside/outside strike are not acceptable in her eyes. As parents, we're starting to feel a little defeated. Anytime we encourage her it's, 'You're just saying that', etc. This 'behavior' has also started to show while doing lessons with her pitching coaches. (Whom are both amazing.) She does 'Mental Strength' training weekly under her organization as well as Pitching specific Mental training's when available there as well. We've asked her if she's overwhelmed and if she would like to take a step back, which I realized was probably the wrong thing to ask as it set her off - she loves Softball - she loves Pitching so of course her answer to that was NO. We've explained to her having a bad attitude will hold her back and get her benched (Yes, I've specifically told her coach to bench her if she shows any sort of attitude during game play - thankfully that has yet to happen. Upper Midwest, our season starts in three weeks. Keep your fingers crossed for us!) I also realize we're coming up on this pubescent age and that could be a factor as well. If anybody has some advice or techniques, please share! I know we're not that only ones who have gone through this and I'm desperate to help my little lady out!

Edited to add: She does a 1 hour team Pitching/Catching practice weekly. 1 hour private lesson every 1-2 weeks and a half hour on her own twice weekly.

Do you think you can threaten this issue away?

 

[Orange Socks]

Sounds like she is putting to much pressure on herself to succeed. Redefine what success looks like as a pitcher. Pitching balls on purpose is good. Allowing the batter to put the ball in play is good. Just a couple of thoughts.

 

[4Martini]

My daughter didn’t start pitching til she was older- but maybe read The emotional lives of teens book? It says a lot about how adults have become uncomfortable with kids feeling uncomfortable and we’re basically giving them anxiety by telling them they should never feel bad. When it’s okay to feel bad sometimes and it can even push them in good directions.

The same author has a book Under Pressure- confronting the epidemic of stress and anxiety in girls.

I’ve let my daughter stew a bit more and try to work herself out of problems after reading it- so she knows she has that power within her. But she also knows there’s a behavior expectation in public.

Do you think the mental toughness stuff she’s getting is age appropriate? I’d be worried if a message for old teens is not just being passed on to 11yo.

 

[ArmWhip]

I know she's young but maybe a dose of reality would help, let her see how accurate the 'big girls' are. Here is a link to the 2023 D3 Championship game. The catchers move a little and set up inside or outside, that gives an idea of where the target is. Take note of this and also how many balls vs strikes the pitchers throw. Maybe if she sees that these pitchers are far from perfect in locating the ball she will relax and be less critical of her own performance. Check out the video yourself first.

2023 DIII softball championship game 3: Salisbury vs. Trine full replay

East Texas Baptist University was named the host of the NCAA 2024 Division III Softball Championship in Marshall, Texas, which will take place from May 30 to June 5.

www.ncaa.com

 

[tomorrow]

Have you looked thru this thread? for something helpful
https://www.discussfastpitch.com/th...ss-or-other-softball-related-favorites.37852/

I like Chop Wood Carry Water (and his other books in the series) for young ages.
Makes a good audio book to play when driving to and from practices.

 

[Cannonball]

A couple of thoughts. First, your dd should be thankful that I am not her parent. I realize that communicating this way leaves a lot of information from your situation out. However, you seem to be giving the impression that your dd is at a crossroads here with her attitude and behavior. You almost seem afraid in your OP from dealing with her when she gets this way. Above all, with my dd, I am the parent. It doesn't mean that I am always right BUT it means that there are acceptable and unacceptable ways to respond to me and/or my wife. When I coached my dd, she knew that above all things, I was straightforward and honest with her. When I said that she did good, which I tried to do a lot, she knew it was sincere coaching. When I said that she was not on the right track, she approached it the same way. I've witnessed situations where the parents are afraid to say anything to their kids and especially afraid of the blowback from their kids in public. WHAT?

When your dd does good, tell her. Try to get in 8 positives to any 1 negative. When she throws strikes and gives negative feedback, end the session. Don't let her be a prima donna.

Ok, so don't listen to me. I'm not like a lot of others. I'm sure others here will give you better advice. I know what worked for me and my dd.

 

[Orange Socks]

When your dd does good, tell her. Try to get in 8 positives to any 1 negative. When she throws strikes and gives negative feedback, end the session. Don't let her be a prima donna.

This is where it all starts!!! The signs are there. LOL!!!

The more I think about this, the more I think the pitcher wants the attention is looking for the parent reaction or those around her. "She says I suck!" She looking for a response like this: Ohh Prima Donna, you don't suck. You are awesome! And that lets her off the hook and she gets positive reinforcement. Meh. What do I know. I was a catcher parent.

 

[CoachCeetar]

When your dd does good, tell her. Try to get in 8 positives to any 1 negative. When she throws strikes and gives negative feedback, end the session. Don't let her be a prima donna.

The potential problem with this is that she might not be doing it to be prima donna, she might legitimately be holding herself to different/higher standard than the parent/coach is. If you say "great pitch!" and she's thinking "no it wasn't, I was trying to throw it more inside, and I missed, and I didn't land where i wanted to, and it didn't feel strong out of my hand" etc, your appraisal of good/bad pitching in her eyes goes down and before long she feels, maybe rightly, that she knows better than you about what needs to be happening, what's good and bad, etc.

You might have to work with HER idea of goals/good, and help her evaluate if those are reasonable ones, and also helping her realize reaching 90% of her goal, or 70% of her goal is still progress, effective, etc and not an abject failure.



tl:dr Is she a perfectionist?