DD temper issue

[InsidePitch]

I watched on big explosion during a 14U game. Pitcher came off the field after a bad inning and the coach started in on her. She was first up and popped up the first pitch to 3rd. Coach said something that I didn't catch as she headed back to the dugout. She enter the dugout and sailed her helmet to the other end off the wall and then kicked it back to the wall. When the coach confronted her she got in his face and said, "it's supposed to be a f'n game!" Grabbed her gear and exited the dugout with the coach begging her to come back. She didn't return and the #2 started the next inning.

DD was carrying her Basketball team. Towards the end of the season I (coach) noticed that she was beginning to point fingers at the other girls for not doing their part. She was right in her assessment but I told her not all of them played with the same passion that she did. It got worse with her yelling and I benched her only to have her cry the last 2 minutes. This happened for 2 games when I finally told her it either stops now or she won't play any more. I didn't care if we lost all of them by 40 points. After another talk I was able to convince her that regardless of the expectations of the other players or the parents, I did not expect her to carry the team by herself. She relaxed some and finished the season on a very positive note. Kids that are good with an expectation that they will carry the team have a lot of extra baggage they bring to the field or floor. Make sure she knows it is a team sport. Not just her and some kids watching her.

 

[CycloneSoftball22]

The coach instigated that one. I am not for throwing things, but the coach gets into one of my students in an unfair manner, I tell her to speak up. Does the US National teach coach ride a player coming off the field or hitting who just made a mistake NO. This is some odd coaching thing that only happens in travel.... And yes it is supposed to be fun.

But on the other hand, like I said, why all the explaining about why you have to not have a tantrum, geez? If the girls are that dumb then they aren't smart enough to play ball.

Really ? I dont think this has anything at all to do with girls being dumb. What is wrong in explaining these things to the girls? Most of these examples refer to girls that are young. Why not teach them? Isnt that one of the responsibilities of a coach or parent?

 

[JBG]

She plays 14U...15 years old.

She is the #1 pitcher. When she pitches the defense has had a history of making some errors behind her. She plays on two travel teams...

More history...just to give more info. She was a freshman this past year and was the only freshman to work her way into the HS varsity lineup (CF). She got a ton of jealousy crap from some other girls in her class and crap from some of the other girls she ended up starting over..

Her one coach (JV and TB coach) was a yeller and a screamer (which she does not respond well to this type of coach). He made the comment to her several times, when she would not get a bunt down, strikeout, make an error or not get a hit...that "she was a varsity player". I realize this isnt good coaching and unfortunately she is going to have to learn to live with it cause her Varsity coach is also a yeller and screamer. Her other travel team coach is Not a yeller. Very calm. That is why when it happened at that game this past weekend i was surprised, she couldnt blame the yelling coach this time.

Regardless, i have tried to explain to her that this is not proper coaching but she is still going to have to deal with the pressure in a proper way. She understands this i think, she does not want have any blow ups...but i guess at this point she is not mature enough to handle it. I have no problem at all with her being benched due to her temper. I am just very frustrated because after 3 weekends in a row where i thought it was going to be better "next" week, it ended up being the same or worse.

I am frustrated because i dont know how to help her. Do i threaten her? Do i let it go and see how it works itself out? We have 2 tournaments left this year and i am cringing thinking about her and us going through this again this coming weekend.

 

[Amy in AZ.]

Not that I am an fan, but Dr. Phil says to find the thing that your DD wants and take it away, each time she misbehaves. I would take her home, from the game, immediately. The time for discussion is after the incident, maybe the next day.

Does she display anger about little things, at home, too?

If she truly can't control herself, it is time to talk to the doctor. My father told me that he should have been on a sedative, all of his life - after he started them in his 50s.

Also, about the time I would have thrown a fit, anywhere and especially in public - my mother would have slapped me.

Good luck and I have sort of been there, with one of my kids. He acted out in HS. But tough love, worked. It took years.

 

[Lozza]

I wouldn't take her away from the game. I would have the coach bench her immeaditly for the rest of the game. If he has to do it every game this weekend she'll get the picture.

It SUCKS for her team, but she needs to see that. You take her away once, she doesn't get the oppurtunity to improve.

And if she is benched for more than one game, she needs to write an apology to her coaches. If she's benched for more than two games, she needs to write them for her entire team.

 

[starsnuffer]

Stop giving her the impression that she is a great player or "#1 pitcher". Great pitchers inspire their team to get their back. Every time your kid gets upset at her team she is letting them down and making them play worse. It doesn't matter how fast she throws when she is a liability to the entire defense.

I know what you are going through. I've coached kids like this and my own kid did it when she was 11. Perfectionists make lousy softball players, but they can be taught how to function socially and become good players in time.

-W

 

[quincy]

If your DD knows it is an Issue and cannot control it, she has an Issue that you need to try and address. I would guess the younger she is the better chance she has to resolve it.

Like most of the responders I have had players similar to this before. My coach’s answer is benching them or sending them home. I am sure this does not resolve their Issue, it just protects the Team.

My parent answer would be to find a professional to help us.

 

[Mr T]

This all comes down to the HC. The HC must make it clear to every player on the team that temper tantrums and equipment throwing in the dugout is not allowed from the very start. And then follow though with enforcement after that.

The same goes for the tears thing too. I don't put up with the pouting and whole feeling sorry for themselves after making a mistake. There is nothing that kills a dugout quicker than a player pulling the "poor me" nonsense. Everyone wants to sit around and "mom" her into feeling better.

During our last tournament I took the HC's daughter to task after a backwards K. It was the 3rd out of the inning. She stomped her foot, shoulders slumped while dragging her bat as she's walking slowly off the field. Then she threw her bat and helmet in the dugout. I immediately let her know in front of the whole team and her dad that type behavior will not be tolerated. Especially when she did not do her job at the plate.

Dad said he was glad I got to her before he did. He said he wouldn't have been so nice.

I've only gone through 6 and 8U with my own kids thus far, 10U next year. I think anger fits are unacceptable. However, I think kids, the young girls at least, some times just need to cry a bit to deal with something. There is a difference between someone who is making a show out of it, for sure.

Softball and baseball, as Ted Williams and others have famously pointed out, is a sport full of failure. Kids really do get bummed out hard when learning how to deal with failure. I learned quickly that it wasn't an issue I needed to try to "fix" as a coach either, just let them cry it out for a minute.

Just speaking for my team, when girls started rallying together and being "mom" to a crier, that was part of when the team really came together and started playing for each other.

 

[andyh64000]

My suggestion is to try to correctively address the behavior at a time other than when she is having a temper tantrum. You should be talking to her before the game when she is rational. And while sometimes actions need to be taken at the time (benching, safety reasons, etc.) it needs to be reinforced when she calms down ("you understand why I had to bench you and why we can't have that kind of behavior"). I have found that yelling, lecturing, rationalizing, etc. with someone in an irrational state of mind usually causes more harm than good.

 

[LAdad]

She plays 14U...15 years old.

Is the behavior problem limited to softball? Around their freshman year girls go through big changes which sometimes also reflect in unpredictable behavior changes (in my admittedly limited experience). In fact, some might says it's a rare teenager whose parents don't think s/he has a behavior problem. I'm not saying that specific problems shouldn't be addressed, or that you should wave everything off by saying it's normal for that age. But if it's part of a larger issue then softball-specific solutions may not do much good in addressing the underlying causes, and, no offense, a softball forum may not be the best place to find solutions. One thing to keep in mind when limiting her access to softball as "tough love" strategy is that it is all too easy for girls that age to stop doing sports altogether.