Daughter wants to quit playing softball

[Pete777]

I'm at a bit of a loss. I have three daughters and have always encouraged them to be active and participate in sports. I played college baseball and fortunately for me my two oldest daughters were drawn to fastpitch softball. My oldest hit here ceiling at the age of 14 (she is now 16) and is done playing but now her younger sister my 12 almost 13 year old is thinking of quitting. I have coached both of them for the last eight years and coach the traveling team that my 12 year old has been on for the last three years. I will call my 12 year old daughter "E" for convenience.

E is not only a great player but one of the best in the state in her age group. I know some might say that she is wanting to quit because of her dad pushing her too hard. I promise, that is not the case. I learned my lesson in that respect with my older daughter. I did push her and the teams she was on, and learned what did and did not work. I have not tried nor have I had to push E. She has always been a hard worker and a team leader. She has always enjoyed the competition and the praise she has received from other players and teams.

She does play other sports such and volleyball and basketball, but softball has always been her passion.

My question is WHAT DO I DO? The softball season for our team likely will not start until April or May so there is some time to contemplate. Honestly I do not want her to quit or take a year off, but I want to do what is best for E. I know she may change her mind and want to play but she may not. She did not play fall ball because she wanted time off. Do I tell her she needs to play and if she still wants to quit she can after the season or do I simply leave the decision up to her? Part of the situation that is complicated is she is one of the best players and I am the coach. Many parents want me to coach and I have put a ton of time and energy into this group of girls. Many girls and parents are counting on me and E. If E is not playing I will need to turn the team over to someone else. Advice needed.

 

[JJS]

I wanted to quit baseball once when I was in high school. My parents wouldn't let me quit. I remember the feelings of grief and misery I was feeling back then as I write this. I remember crying and thinking there was no way I would ever pick up a ball...Well, within a couple weeks my hormones changed once again. I was once again having fun, and was very happy that my parents didn't let me quit. I went on to play two more years in HS and followed up by playing college baseball.

You will get a bunch of different advice on this subject. Just remember one thing. You are the parent, your daughter is the child. Sometimes kids don't know what they want. Each situation is different. If you can find out the reason why she wants to quit you will be able to figure out if it is the right decision for her. Good luck. Last word of advice...make her do something constructive. If not softball then basketball. If not basketball then theater or debate. If not debate then chess or math club.

 

[grcsftbll]

I believe in giving my kids as much autonomy as possible. Sometimes they make stupid decisions and that's how they learn. I'd talk to her, figure out the why, try to address that. I'd encourage her to continue (carefully, because that is the age of rebellion and just your encouragement could be enough to set her resolve). But in the end I wouldn't force her to play.

 

[#7sDad]

Without knowing the "why" she wants to quit, it's difficult to provide advice. Is her rationale well founded? As JJS wrote, are there other 'constructive' things she wants to focus her time and energy on? If she's thought it through and has solid logic, then it's her decision. BTW, she sounds like the type of kid who will be good at a lot of things and softball doesn't define her.
However, if she can't articulate why, then maybe it's hormones, a phase, burn-out etc. In that case, I'd just let it be for a while. Then maybe just go have a game of catch and try to just have fun with her and maybe that passion for the game will catch fire again. Good luck!

 

[YOCOACH]

Why would you have to turn the team over to someone else? Just because your DD isn't or wouldn't be playing doesn't mean you couldn't continue to enjoy coaching the team. Plus it would give you the added benefit of being able to add her to the roster at a future date should she choose to return to the game.

 

[KneeHighSocks]

My DD wanted to quit at this very time last year (also at age 12). I think this is the make it or break it age. Travel ball starts to become a real challenge and some of the "fun" may start to go away with mounting pressures to perform. Last winter I told my DD that we made a commitment to the team and had to see it through to the Summer. IF she still wanted to be done after that we would walk away. We did work with her over winter (hitting and fielding with an ex college player/private coach). I felt like we should give her every opportunity to succeed and be confident so that if she really wanted to walk away after that she was making a completely informed decision and not an impulsive one. She had a pretty good Spring season. Ended with a very impressive batting average and really felt like she contributed that to her team. She ended up staying on this year and now I couldn't pry her away.
I think let her really think it through. Make sure all her commitments are taken care of. If she does't want to continue it's her decision but I stressed with my DD that she wasn't allowed to leave the team in a hard spot, and that she needed a back up plan. She didn't need to play softball, but she needed to be doing something

 

[999]

This is a long shot, and don't take it the wrong way, but maybe ask her if she would like to play on a team not coached by you. Just to see if that may be part of it.

 

[quincy]

Being under pressure to perform all the time can drain a kid, maybe see if you can move her where she is the #5 or so player on the Team.

 

[Pop time 00]

My husband stopped coaching my son's team at age 12. Best move ever. Well, at least in our case. My husband does not coach softball so this is a non issue now.

 

[sluggers]

Tough love: Let someone else coach the team. *YOU* become your DD's personal softball coach. All the time you now spend with running your team? Put that time into practicing with your DD.

My background: DD#1 was an all-conference D1 pitcher. DD#2 also lettered in HS (the HS had 4000 students...being on varsity was not a gimme for any sport), and played softball until she was 14YOA. DD#3 scored 1500 points in HS, was D3 all-conference and won a national championship in basketball. So, I know a little about raising children who end up being good athletes. And, I am one of the founders of what is now the largest fastpitch organization in Illinois. So, I've been through softball mill.

I was doing exactly what you were doing, and one guy (the Snake), said, " How many hours a week do you spend coaching the team and scheduling umpires and arranging hotels? Do you think your DD is going to get a scholarship because you coached softball? Spend that time catching and taking her to batting lessons."

I followed his advice, and suddenly, I had 20 hours more a week. Instead of me being on the phone with umpires, I was in the backyard tossing softballs or on the driveway shooting baskets. It was a much, much better life for me and my kids.

Here are the reasons:

1) If you want your DD to be "good" in college, she has to learn how to bury anyone standing between her and more playing time. She has to learn how to do that without pissing off the coaches and her teammates. Are you teaching her how to do that? If not, she won't play.

2) Kids have to learn how to *EARN* playing time. She has to play for someone who will sit her on the bench if she doesn't perform, but who will also give her more playing time if she does perform. You don't do that...either (a) you won't bench her for poor performance, (b) give her extra playing time for good performance, or (c) both.

3) You are balancing her needs versus those of the team. She is your DD. Your main responsibility is to her, not to the other 12 kids on the team.

4) Kids are good at 14U because they have more talent or they matured earlier. At 16U, the "good" kids are practicing 10X more than everyone else. If you don't forget the team and start helping her, she will fade. I've seen it a million times.

5) When your DD gets her softball scholarship, then you can start coaching again.

Some other comments:

My oldest hit here ceiling at the age of 14 (she is now 16) and is done playing but now her younger sister my 12 almost 13 year old is thinking of quitting. I have coached both of them for the last eight years and coach the traveling team that my 12 year old has been on for the last three years.

So, you want to do exactly what you did before but you want a different result? Isn't that the definition of insanity?

As a guy who has been around softball forever and a day, when a parent has two kids who burn out on softball, it is a sure bet that it *IS* the parent.