When is the right time to speak up....

[PJR202]

How you will be perceived will depend upon how you move forward from this point.

How any parent intervenes for their child depends a lot on the process and intent. For example, if a parent ask to talk to a coach and compares their child to others on the team, that, for me, is a no go. I won't talk about any players on a team with other parents. I ask that a meeting be set up with the AD. In that way, I have a witness as to what is said from both sides. I have been where you are and considered my dd to be an exceptional athlete.

I have told the story before about my dd and volleyball. My dd was awarded the underclass award for volleyball her freshman year. She dressed varsity. In her sophomore year and before they had played a volleyball match, she entered the gym with the trainer who had told her she needed a covering for a strawberry on her leg. She got that strawberry from playing a weekend softball tournament. The volleyball HC went off on her and compared her to a former player who went on to star on her D-I college softball team. The "punishment" was that my dd sat on the bench for the varsity for an entire year and never played one second. She was not allowed to play on the JV. The wife and I went to every game to support her. We didn't say a word to the coach who I worked with. I was a teacher and HC at the school. My dd cried after every game but never asked if she could quit. In a lot of ways, that year made my dd stronger though, to be honest, she also learned how to hate someone. The following year, she decided to play HS golf instead for me on my golf team and was offered several scholarships for golf. In the end, it worked out.

What a crappy thing to do.

Our take on here in the school sotball program is that if you play another sport, then you're still getting extra practice at things like balance, coordination, hand/eye, strength. Well-rounded athletes make great softball players.

 

[PJR202]

My take on playing time is, if she's unhappy she should be the one to ask. At younger levels, I think it would be a constructive discussion opportunity if the parent asks. MS and HS, the kid can ask herself. Chances are, she already knows the answer. My DD went through this last season. I said "if you're unhappy with your playing time, go ask him what you can do to get more time," and she refused to do it. Didn't think she would be taken seriously. I know the coach would have given her a genuine answer. That was her battle and lesson to learn.

 

[The Man In Blue]

How you will be perceived will depend upon how you move forward from this point.

How any parent intervenes for their child depends a lot on the process and intent. For example, if a parent ask to talk to a coach and compares their child to others on the team, that, for me, is a no go. I won't talk about any players on a team with other parents. I ask that a meeting be set up with the AD. In that way, I have a witness as to what is said from both sides. I have been where you are and considered my dd to be an exceptional athlete.

I have told the story before about my dd and volleyball. My dd was awarded the underclass award for volleyball her freshman year. She dressed varsity. In her sophomore year and before they had played a volleyball match, she entered the gym with the trainer who had told her she needed a covering for a strawberry on her leg. She got that strawberry from playing a weekend softball tournament. The volleyball HC went off on her and compared her to a former player who went on to star on her D-I college softball team. The "punishment" was that my dd sat on the bench for the varsity for an entire year and never played one second. She was not allowed to play on the JV. The wife and I went to every game to support her. We didn't say a word to the coach who I worked with. I was a teacher and HC at the school. My dd cried after every game but never asked if she could quit. In a lot of ways, that year made my dd stronger though, to be honest, she also learned how to hate someone. The following year, she decided to play HS golf instead for me on my golf team and was offered several scholarships for golf. In the end, it worked out.

Sounds similar to my oldest daughter's volleyball story, but at least you had a crappy reason.

From 8th grade through her Junior year, we had a good HS coach. My daughter played all the way around (meaning she didn't sub out like most players do) and had some lower-level college interest. We were actually concerned she was being over-used and had talked with the coach about it.

Politics happened and the coach was fired. (She didn't play a board member's daughter enough and the board member had a potential replacement waiting. That backfired due to the respect our former coach had, and nobody in the volleyball coaching community would touch the job. They literally tried giving the job away and begging people. We ended up with a coach who had been cast-off every coaching job she had, but that's a different story). Anyway, new coach comes in, essentially benches my daughter for her Senior season. We go through all the usual emotions, feelings, resentment, etc.

The team wins the county tournament, but my daughter was the only player who never got in during the entire tournament. After the championship game, my daughter was in tears. I walked to the bench to sign her out so she didn't have to ride the bus. The coach said she wasn't allowing anybody to be signed out because she wanted them to celebrate and share this time on the bus (which was a 10 minute ride). I did not confront the coach. I did not lose my temper with the coach. I said, "No. She is going home with us. You can explain to her tomorrow why you haven't treated her as part of the team. I didn't come to talk to you about playing time, she needs to do that. I came to take her home after the way you have treated her."

The next morning the AD (whose daughter played softball for me, but we didn't care for one another) left me a message that I was not allowed to go to any more games until I met with him. I did go met with him. I told him what I thought of his coach, what she did, and how he allowed the school's programs to be run (this had been boiling for a few years under his tenure). At the end, he told me I had his permission to go to games again. I never went to another volleyball game.

My daughter went on to play soccer in college. I went to her HS and college soccer games. ?

 

[FastpitchFan84]

Sounds similar to my oldest daughter's volleyball story, but at least you had a crappy reason.

From 8th grade through her Junior year, we had a good HS coach. My daughter played all the way around (meaning she didn't sub out like most players do) and had some lower-level college interest. We were actually concerned she was being over-used and had talked with the coach about it.

Politics happened and the coach was fired. (She didn't play a board member's daughter enough and the board member had a potential replacement waiting. That backfired due to the respect our former coach had, and nobody in the volleyball coaching community would touch the job. They literally tried giving the job away and begging people. We ended up with a coach who had been cast-off every coaching job she had, but that's a different story). Anyway, new coach comes in, essentially benches my daughter for her Senior season. We go through all the usual emotions, feelings, resentment, etc.

The team wins the county tournament, but my daughter was the only player who never got in during the entire tournament. After the championship game, my daughter was in tears. I walked to the bench to sign her out so she didn't have to ride the bus. The coach said she wasn't allowing anybody to be signed out because she wanted them to celebrate and share this time on the bus (which was a 10 minute ride). I did not confront the coach. I did not lose my temper with the coach. I said, "No. She is going home with us. You can explain to her tomorrow why you haven't treated her as part of the team. I didn't come to talk to you about playing time, she needs to do that. I came to take her home after the way you have treated her."

The next morning the AD (whose daughter played softball for me, but we didn't care for one another) left me a message that I was not allowed to go to any more games until I met with him. I did go met with him. I told him what I thought of his coach, what she did, and how he allowed the school's programs to be run (this had been boiling for a few years under his tenure). At the end, he told me I had his permission to go to games again. I never went to another volleyball game.

My daughter went on to play soccer in college. I went to her HS and college soccer games. ?

Uggghh. This story is all too common. While the people with the name/community status have their child’s positions “protected” they cry foul (pun intended) when a parent advocates for their child and/or calls out the politics. I’m sorry your daughter had to deal with that. It’s absolutely unnecessary.

 

[chappellestherobot?]

My take on playing time is, if she's unhappy she should be the one to ask. At younger levels, I think it would be a constructive discussion opportunity if the parent asks. MS and HS, the kid can ask herself. Chances are, she already knows the answer. My DD went through this last season. I said "if you're unhappy with your playing time, go ask him what you can do to get more time," and she refused to do it. Didn't think she would be taken seriously. I know the coach would have given her a genuine answer. That was her battle and lesson to learn.

A lot of people say this but I think it's crazy. Adults have union reps, lawyers, agents in certain situations, people who can advocate for them when needed. Help them know what to say. We ask someone to go with you on doctor visits to help you understand and ask questions! And yet we say an 11 year old should go by themselves and talk to a grown adult who holds their entire fate and future in their hands? This is also why coaches want to talk to kids and not other adults who can reason like adults and are not afraid of them.

The kids know that's an impossible situation and the kids are right.

 

[Orange Socks]

PJR202 said MS and HS kids need to learn to speak to the coaches directly. 14U and above. 11 yo kids are either 10U or 12U. Yes, parents can have a joint meeting after practice with the coach. If the coach is a school coach, parents should stay out unless it needs to be escalated.

 

[CoachJD]

A lot of people say this but I think it's crazy. Adults have union reps, lawyers, agents in certain situations, people who can advocate for them when needed. Help them know what to say. We ask someone to go with you on doctor visits to help you understand and ask questions! And yet we say an 11 year old should go by themselves and talk to a grown adult who holds their entire fate and future in their hands? This is also why coaches want to talk to kids and not other adults who can reason like adults and are not afraid of them.

The kids know that's an impossible situation and the kids are right.

Nobody said an 11-year-old should do this, although really, there's no good reason why she can't if the coach isn't a jerk. There's not really too young an age to teach kids to advocate for themselves.

The problem is that a parent talking to a coach about playing time is, always, inevitably, 100% of the time, ultimately a conversation about someone else's kid. It has to be that because the underlying message every parent wants to send is "my kid should be playing...over that other kid." Playing time doesn't exist in a vacuum, and it's a zero sum game. If your kid gets more playing time, someone else's kid will get less.

Don't talk to coaches about playing time. Ask coaches what your kid needs to do to get better, or if it's clear what they need to do, ask them how you can help do it. If the coach has a list for you, that means the coach has actually thought about what your kid needs. If the coach doesn't really have an answer for you, maybe find another team because you might be right about that coach.

 

[tim_s]

the first time to speak up would be to ask the coach BEFORE joining a team what their philosphy is in regards to playtime

is it straight developmental? everyone plays, everyone learns multiple positions?

is it everyone gets time during pool play, best 9 play sunday?

could it be they play the best players that put them in position to win every game?

how many pitchers do they regularly use?

etc, etc

a lot of issue can be headed off by asking these questions ahead of time.....IMHO if you know the philosophy and the coach seems to be sticking to it, then it is up to the player to have those conversations - "what do i need to improve to see more Sunday time", etc

if those questions are asked and answered, and then the coach does NOT stick to what their stated philosophy was, then IMHO it is AOK for a parent to step in......

 

[tim_s]

the first time to speak up would be to ask the coach BEFORE joining a team what their philosphy is in regards to playtime

is it straight developmental? everyone plays, everyone learns multiple positions?

is it everyone gets time during pool play, best 9 play sunday?

could it be they play the best players that put them in position to win every game?

how many pitchers do they regularly use?

etc, etc

a lot of issue can be headed off by asking these questions ahead of time.....IMHO if you know the philosophy and the coach seems to be sticking to it, then it is up to the player to have those conversations - "what do i need to improve to see more Sunday time", etc

if those questions are asked and answered, and then the coach does NOT stick to what their stated philosophy was, then IMHO it is AOK for a parent to step in......

and i will add, if it is option A and the coach is sticking to what they said they would do, for example "everyone gets time in pool play, we play the best on Sunday"........10u is NOT too young for players to have those conversations about "what do i need to do to earn more time on Sunday" - they may need a little coaching from a parent on what to say, they might even need a little help from the parent to ask coach for a few minutes, but they need to be allowed to advocate for themselves, and 10u is in no way too young to start, even if they need a hand

at 10u travel we were running regular feedback sessions after pre season, and then after every tournament.......the 1st was an email home to parents and players, on what the staff saw as strengths, areas that needed to improve, things we wanted to target at practice, things they could work on at home.......2nd session was the same info on a note card to bring home, and the 3rd was a conversation with the player & staff.........we included the players in these activities, and not only could they handle the feedback, they began asking the questions about that they needed to do, etc. before we even did the sessions......players 100% need to be part of these processes, but it also needs to be done in a healthy way that focuses on growth & improvement

just my extra 3 cents.....

 

[PJR202]

A lot of people say this but I think it's crazy. Adults have union reps, lawyers, agents in certain situations, people who can advocate for them when needed. Help them know what to say. We ask someone to go with you on doctor visits to help you understand and ask questions! And yet we say an 11 year old should go by themselves and talk to a grown adult who holds their entire fate and future in their hands? This is also why coaches want to talk to kids and not other adults who can reason like adults and are not afraid of them.

The kids know that's an impossible situation and the kids are right.

Maybe I should have been more clear, but my daughter was 15 at the time. But still, even by 7th grade or so, these kids are perfectly capable of advocating for themselves. If they understand the game, they're perfectly capable of asking what they need to do to get better and see the field more often. It's a lesson for adulthood that applies to everything from relationships to receiving the wrong biscuit at McDonald's. Most of the uncomfortable conversations in their lives won't be with an advocate standing beside them.

Mine is now a junior, and new rules at the school regarding time between classes and bathroom breaks are causing a fuss. Some of her complaints will iron themselves out, but I told her if something isn't right, to speak up. I told her those people don't control every aspect of her life or bodily function, and she needs to advocate for herself. And if that fails, it's time to call me. But shes gotta be able to do things herself, and now is the time to learn it.