Struggling player - what to do as a parent?

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Apr 25, 2021
17
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Just want to remind folks that you can practice and get better at 'being nervous', and it doesn't need to just be on the ballfield. Some people are naturally talented at handling nerves, while some need to work on it as a skill. I was a professional musician in a previous life. That age was terrible for me, and most kids that I've taught. I've found that most kids/adults grow into their confidence, but at different rates, and some never do. The more situations in life that she can practice the skill of 'being nervous', getting out of her comfort zone, the quicker she'll grow into herself.
My DD is on an upper B-level 16U travel team. Has played softball since she was 6. While she enjoys the game and LOVES being with the team, her overall game skills are average…at best. There are times where you see the potential for her to be an above average player Great focus, good athletic plays, solid and confident. Not a star player by any means, but solid and reliable. But, unfortunately, more often than not lately, she is playing scared, not-confident or focused, errors everytime the ball is hit to her and non-productive at bats.
I could write it off as a slump, but this pattern has been going on for years and I just don’t know what to say anymore. I try to boost her confidence, celebrate the good plays, gently point out where she could improve, or say nothing if that is the vibe I’m getting.
She is not being pressured to play by us. We have been very open with her that if she isn’t enjoying the game anymore and wants to be done, that’s fine. It’s her choice.
She doesn’t want to be done.
The biggest issue *I* have is that I don’t think she truly grasps the gap that is widening between her and the rest of the team in regards to skill. I don’t think she understands how important consistency and a little mental focus and toughness are at this age level. You can’t keep saying “I was nervous…I wasn’t sure….” when making errors or not being aggressive. I think she has the mindset that she’s played with these girls for this long and will just continue to get to make the team … or be on varsity next year for her school team… because that is what is supposed to happen.
As her parent and also an observer, I can tell you that that is not going to happen unless there are some major improvements.
Please note, it’s not that she has an entitled attitude and thinks she deserves to play varsity, upper level team, etc. It’s more that she thinks that’s how it’s always been, so why would now be different. I’m at a loss for what more to say or do. Do I just let her ride it out and let her find out what happens? I mean, I guess there isn’t anything else to do but that, but it’s hard. It’s really hard to watch and observe. Advice? Thoughts? Similar experiences?
This is an amazing thread with amazing responses. My daughter is only 9 and loves the game. I am the coach of her White (we don’t say B) team. I am not afraid to say I’m tearing up reading this thread, not so much about a softball future but more about the journey of reaching the age of 16. Thank you!!!
 
May 29, 2015
3,731
113
Just want to remind folks that you can practice and get better at 'being nervous', and it doesn't need to just be on the ballfield. Some people are naturally talented at handling nerves, while some need to work on it as a skill. I was a professional musician in a previous life. That age was terrible for me, and most kids that I've taught. I've found that most kids/adults grow into their confidence, but at different rates, and some never do. The more situations in life that she can practice the skill of 'being nervous', getting out of her comfort zone, the quicker she'll grow into herself.

LOVE this ... it applies to so much more than softball. This is such a valuable life skill that applies to so many things that will benefit your daughter long term. Public speaking is one of the things that immediately comes to my mind.
 
Apr 8, 2019
214
43
Nothing but love....but *YOU* need an attitude adjustment.

She is an intelligent person. She has been playing since she was 6YOA. She knows her skill level and where she falls in the softball pecking order.

She is having fun hanging out with her buddies. She is in a safe environment. Where is the problem?

Would you take your kid out of HS band because she wasn't first chair clarinet? Would you take your kid out of the school play because she isn't Meryl Streep?

My advice to you is to reduce the number of games you go to...let her have fun, and don't worry about it.
I'm in a similar situation as the original poster. While I agree with the general sentiment of your statement, I struggle with the enormous costs and responsibilities associated with the game. No, I wouldn't pull my kid from band just because she wasn't first chair. But if I was spending weekends in hotels and thousands of dollars on band travel, I might have higher expectations.

I am less concerned about performance and more concerned with her level of passion and effort. I want my DD to really want to be there and for the right reasons. I feel like there are more cost effective ways for her to hang out with her friends. Am I being unreasonable?
 

sluggers

Super Moderator
Staff member
May 26, 2008
7,133
113
Dallas, Texas
I'm in a similar situation as the original poster. While I agree with the general sentiment of your statement, I struggle with the enormous costs and responsibilities associated with the game. No, I wouldn't pull my kid from band just because she wasn't first chair. But if I was spending weekends in hotels and thousands of dollars on band travel, I might have higher expectations.

I am less concerned about performance and more concerned with her level of passion and effort. I want my DD to really want to be there and for the right reasons. I feel like there are more cost effective ways for her to hang out with her friends. Am I being unreasonable?

Softball is a hobby to her. In fact, lots of people in the US have softball for a hobby. Softball is by far the most popular hobby in Chicagoland...it is a whole lot of fun in the summer. (Play a game after work, and then head over to the local watering hole for a couple of beers--it is about as close to heaven as I'll ever get.)

The time and money spent on a hobby depends upon (1) skill level, (2) interest level and (3) financial position.

If she isn't very good and she doesn't have the interest sport, find other opportunities for her to play. But, I don't stop her from playing softball.

This really is a life lesson...I'm sure you have a hobby. Teach her how much is appropriate to spend on a hobby.

I had 3 DDs. One DD was not a good athlete. She played sports all through HS, and spent most the time on the bench. So what? She had a great time.

She played on a C-level travel team that never went more than an hour from home. She had several other activities other than sports.
 

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