Struggling player - what to do as a parent?

[Eric F]

Playing well is fun.

Often true, but not always. My DD had an experience where the culture of the team she was on sucked the fun out of the game for her, and she was very close to quitting the sport completely. A break for a few months, and a new team, helped her find her love of the game again.

Through it all, she never stopped hitting. Going to the park, and blasting balls high and deep is fun for her.

 

[Eric F]

Something to keep in mind is that not all kids are the same. What I have observed is that some need to be personally successful in order for it to be fun (my DD is one of these). They tend to do the extra work to keep their game at a high level. For others, being part of a successful team is enough, even if they aren't making a significant contribution. There are a couple of those girls on my DD's 18U team. There are some who do the work and continue to make improvements. There are some who do the work, but are bumping up against the limits of their athleticism, have hit a significant plateau in their development, and are getting passed up by players who are continuing to develop. I see the most frustrated parents in that group.

 

[krazykat]

I would suggest getting your daughter involved in fitness and conditioning. There is no better way to increase confidence than to have a young person realize they are getting stronger and in better shape.

 

[Eric F]

I would suggest getting your daughter involved in fitness and conditioning. There is no better way to increase confidence than to have a young person realize they are getting stronger and in better shape.

I would say it completely depends on the kid. There are many that loathe that kind of work.

 

[smallfry9]

I would suggest getting your daughter involved in fitness and conditioning. There is no better way to increase confidence than to have a young person realize they are getting stronger and in better shape.

We are just about to start that! There is an awesome personal trainer at a local gym who works with a lot of high school and college students and we signed her up for some sessions (with DD's permission and interest, of course). The goal isn't to "just" improve fitness for softball, but overall health - mind and body!

 

[Rule#6]

Let her fly on her own at some games, and have the fun of telling you how it went! She will feel good about herself, navigating the day without you! And you can tell her what you did that day (its good for our kids to see us with hobbies/interests, instead of hovering over them all the time.)

 

[PDM]

My DD is on an upper B-level 16U travel team. Has played softball since she was 6. While she enjoys the game and LOVES being with the team, her overall game skills are average…at best. There are times where you see the potential for her to be an above average player Great focus, good athletic plays, solid and confident. Not a star player by any means, but solid and reliable. But, unfortunately, more often than not lately, she is playing scared, not-confident or focused, errors everytime the ball is hit to her and non-productive at bats.
I could write it off as a slump, but this pattern has been going on for years and I just don’t know what to say anymore. I try to boost her confidence, celebrate the good plays, gently point out where she could improve, or say nothing if that is the vibe I’m getting.
She is not being pressured to play by us. We have been very open with her that if she isn’t enjoying the game anymore and wants to be done, that’s fine. It’s her choice.
She doesn’t want to be done.
The biggest issue *I* have is that I don’t think she truly grasps the gap that is widening between her and the rest of the team in regards to skill. I don’t think she understands how important consistency and a little mental focus and toughness are at this age level. You can’t keep saying “I was nervous…I wasn’t sure….” when making errors or not being aggressive. I think she has the mindset that she’s played with these girls for this long and will just continue to get to make the team … or be on varsity next year for her school team… because that is what is supposed to happen.
As her parent and also an observer, I can tell you that that is not going to happen unless there are some major improvements.
Please note, it’s not that she has an entitled attitude and thinks she deserves to play varsity, upper level team, etc. It’s more that she thinks that’s how it’s always been, so why would now be different. I’m at a loss for what more to say or do. Do I just let her ride it out and let her find out what happens? I mean, I guess there isn’t anything else to do but that, but it’s hard. It’s really hard to watch and observe. Advice? Thoughts? Similar experiences?

All of the deep breathing and motivational speeches are worthless. One thing will give your daughter confidence and improve her skills - PRACTICE! She has to go out every day and do the work. Hundreds of reps using correct technique improves skills and builds confidence. If one has done something hundreds of times already, the fear and negative thoughts tend to disappear. When she can't get out on the field, visualization of performing those skills can be done instead. Visualization can't replace actually doing it, and is worthless if not done correctly, but can help when actually practicing isn't possible. Hard work is the answer. She may never be a star but she will come a lot closer to reaching her potential. Just going to twice a week team practices where reps are shared among a dozen teammates just isn't enough. If she isn't interested in putting in that extra time, then just accept that softball isn't a priority and let her enjoy her time with her teammates/friends.

 

[Nimrod]

My DD is on an upper B-level 16U travel team. Has played softball since she was 6. While she enjoys the game and LOVES being with the team, her overall game skills are average…at best. There are times where you see the potential for her to be an above average player Great focus, good athletic plays, solid and confident. Not a star player by any means, but solid and reliable. But, unfortunately, more often than not lately, she is playing scared, not-confident or focused, errors everytime the ball is hit to her and non-productive at bats.
I could write it off as a slump, but this pattern has been going on for years and I just don’t know what to say anymore. I try to boost her confidence, celebrate the good plays, gently point out where she could improve, or say nothing if that is the vibe I’m getting.
She is not being pressured to play by us. We have been very open with her that if she isn’t enjoying the game anymore and wants to be done, that’s fine. It’s her choice.
She doesn’t want to be done.
The biggest issue *I* have is that I don’t think she truly grasps the gap that is widening between her and the rest of the team in regards to skill. I don’t think she understands how important consistency and a little mental focus and toughness are at this age level. You can’t keep saying “I was nervous…I wasn’t sure….” when making errors or not being aggressive. I think she has the mindset that she’s played with these girls for this long and will just continue to get to make the team … or be on varsity next year for her school team… because that is what is supposed to happen.
As her parent and also an observer, I can tell you that that is not going to happen unless there are some major improvements.
Please note, it’s not that she has an entitled attitude and thinks she deserves to play varsity, upper level team, etc. It’s more that she thinks that’s how it’s always been, so why would now be different. I’m at a loss for what more to say or do. Do I just let her ride it out and let her find out what happens? I mean, I guess there isn’t anything else to do but that, but it’s hard. It’s really hard to watch and observe. Advice? Thoughts? Similar experiences?

If she truly enjoys the game and LOVES being with her team, as you say, then she's a winner. What's more important than that? I'd rather my daughter be what you describe than an All-American who doesn't enjoy the game and isn't a good teammate.

Are her struggles bothering her? If not, it's probably not worth intervening. She'll figure it out. She can handle not making varsity if it comes to that. Part of life. Might be a good thing. She might discover other things that she likes even more and gives her validation. It's only softball. There are plenty of fun stuff to do in life, and it will be fun to see what she finds when softball is off her plate.

I would not take the advice to take her to hitting lessons or give her books to read unless she's coming to you with, 'I've got a problem, can you help.' or unless you're confident she'd say, 'Yes, sounds like fun!'

And lots of 15-year-olds have confidence issues, especially girls for whatever reason that seems built into our society. Unsolicited attempts to 'fix' her could add to the problem. If she knows her parents are troubled by her errors, it can make it worse. Better to accept and appreciate the fact that she enjoys playing and doesn't let 'just being average' spoil that, IMO. Not many people can do that, honestly. Too many think they're never good enough. It's easy to like something when we're good at and people are praising us. I'm more impressed with people who like something when they're not so good at it. If your kid has that, I hope nobody messes it up.

 

[black17]

There are some who do the work, but are bumping up against the limits of their athleticism, have hit a significant plateau in their development, and are getting passed up by players who are continuing to develop. I see the most frustrated parents in that group.

Couldn't have said it better myself. I have lived this to a small degree. DD is a high level athlete, don't get me wrong, but puberty in girls isn't what it is in boys. It can turn the Ferrari into a Fiero pretty quickly.

 

[Fluid Fastpitch]

All of the deep breathing and motivational speeches are worthless. One thing will give your daughter confidence and improve her skills - PRACTICE! She has to go out every day and do the work. Hundreds of reps using correct technique improves skills and builds confidence. If one has done something hundreds of times already, the fear and negative thoughts tend to disappear.

Just want to remind folks that you can practice and get better at 'being nervous', and it doesn't need to just be on the ballfield. Some people are naturally talented at handling nerves, while some need to work on it as a skill. I was a professional musician in a previous life. That age was terrible for me, and most kids that I've taught. I've found that most kids/adults grow into their confidence, but at different rates, and some never do. The more situations in life that she can practice the skill of 'being nervous', getting out of her comfort zone, the quicker she'll grow into herself.