Dealing with gay/bi players

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Aug 19, 2015
1,118
113
Atlanta, GA
Look, there's gonna be drama regardless of orientation. There just is. My greater concern is when the drama becomes destructive or tears the team into sides. This could include, but is not limited to, exclusive cliques forming, some players covertly (or overtly) bullying or excluding one other player, girls feeling resentment based upon playing time, girls acting out in the dugout (e.g., temper tantrums after strikeouts, etc...), or, in the case of gay/bi players, romantic overtures being made that are unwanted by the recipient. The topic of the drama doesn't matter. It's how it is handled by the coaches. Any behavior that damages the dynamic of the team needs to be dealt with swiftly and surely, possibly including removal of the instigator(s) from the team. Having older players sign a detailed Code of Conduct before joining the team makes this a lot easier.
 
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Jul 16, 2013
4,659
113
Pennsylvania
When it comes to emotions and reactions, everyone is different. Saying one type of situation is worse than another is assuming that all people will react the same way. I have seen best friends become sworn enemies because of romantic endeavors. I have also seen relationships end peacefully with both sides still being friends. Trying to be specific regarding the type of transgression just seems to be a fools errand to me. I have no issue with having team rules that are agreed to by all parties. They just need to be non-specific regarding such things as sexual orientation.
 
Jun 11, 2012
741
63
I think those are both a LOT less visceral than actually seeing/being the person in the relationship and dealing with it. Even seeing the person who your SO cheated with is different than seeing the person who actually cheated on you. You're devaluing the emotions of the girls involved by assuming they are equivalent to friendship, when most romantic relationships are much more than that.
My DD was far more traumatizes by the loss of a many years friendship than she has ever been over the end of a relationship.
Until you are or have been a teenage girl don’t try to say that I’m devaluing how a teen girl feels about which is worse the loss of a friend you considered a sister or the loss of a short term teenage relationship.
I was a teenage girl once, I’ve been through losses of friendships and losses of relationships. Both suck but one is not always worse than another.
 
Aug 6, 2013
392
63
I am just addressing the questions related to travel in spring to say - as far as my daughter is concerned I wouldn’t be worried about any situations posed in the OP. I’m fine with her having gay teammates and traveling. I played basketball at a high level and had no problems. I was hit on and when I said I liked dudes that was the end of it. That was a teammate and that didn’t change any dynamics between us as players or friends. I trust my daughter to make appropriate decisions and as someone pointed out - she won’t be getting pregnant.
 
Oct 11, 2010
8,337
113
Chicago, IL
Never had to deal with most of this thread and I find it interesting how people address it.

In 14U an older kid was a lot of our games. He just sat in the stands and didn't really talk too much. He drove Sally to practice and games sometimes. After 1 game I asked DD if she knew who he is was. Sure that's Sally's boyfriend. DD did not have a boyfriend but 1st thing that came to my mind, good for him for coming to her games.

I have a question for no holding hands or what not during Team time.

When does Team time start? Read parking lot, are couples allowed to kiss or hug in car? Once they step out of car no funny business?

4 hour break between games, is that still Team time.? Take it off the property?

Staying in hotel over the weekend, does Team time start at arrival to game or hotel and end after last game?

(Pregnancy is a whole different topic. I think it was 14U too DD played against a pitcher that was pregnant. We should have just sat DD, she was afraid to hit the ball.)
 
Feb 20, 2020
377
63
That's an interesting point, because there have been discussions about romantic non-team partners at games and tourneys. In those cases, they aren't allowed to interfere with team time, and when they do the coaches call out the girls on it (like hanging out with their partner instead of their teammates during breaks, or skipping out quickly on a team dinner so they can be together). Do you think those are the kinds of rules that should be enforced for inter-team dating? it seems that for most responses from people who have dealt with it that some sort of guidelines ought to be in place, like no rooming together on the road or not PDA during team events. Does that go far enough or should a coach actively discourage/ban dating? Should a coach address the subject at all, or wait until/if something happens that causes a team disruption?

And here's one that hadn't been thrown out -- how should a coach respond if they a) know thier players, Wendy and Lisa, are dating b) know that Wendy isn't out to her parents and c) get directly asked about whether Wendy and Lisa are dating by one of those parents? Is it better to out the kid or lie to the parents?

As for the what kind of breakup is worse, i'm not saying anything beyond that an intense romance -- especially for some teenagers -- is one of the most powerful forces in their lives. And that romantic breakups are a lot more common and a lot more arbitrary than intense friendship breakups. But I also acknowledge that other people have other experiences, and their opinions often vary form mine.
 

radness

Possibilities & Opportunities!
Dec 13, 2019
7,270
113
there is a little bit of a difference when the one who cheated on you is 15 feet away for a good deal of the practice / weekend..
Could be!
But could it also be the same irritation toward the teammate who starts dating there teammates ex boyfriend?!

A team agreement form is probably not going to include
You cant date your teammate ex.
💁 Have to say leave the junk/drama off the field.
No matter the bits 'n pieces.
Same standards for everyone.

What other topics may a coach want to keep off the field?
 
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Jul 16, 2013
4,659
113
Pennsylvania
And here's one that hadn't been thrown out -- how should a coach respond if they a) know thier players, Wendy and Lisa, are dating b) know that Wendy isn't out to her parents and c) get directly asked about whether Wendy and Lisa are dating by one of those parents? Is it better to out the kid or lie to the parents?

This is a very interesting question and one I do not have a good answer for. However, I still don't think sexual orientation really matters. Two more examples from my past.

* A player on my 18u team was dating another girl that my daughter was friends with at the time, but was not a softball player. I also knew that her parents did not know about it. Actually neither sets of parents were aware.
* A player on DD's high school softball team was known as having a reputation. She was given the nickname "Trey" by some of her friends because she had sex with 3 guys at the same time during a party. I also knew that her parents did not know about it.

In either case if the parents had asked me, it would have created an uncomfortable situation. Luckily I was not faced with that because I'm not sure what I would have said or did. However, at one of the games, I was sitting in the stands with the parents of the high school athlete when the mother asked "I wonder why they call her Trey?" In that case I did not say a word...
 
Nov 22, 2019
194
43
Minnesota, USA
And here's one that hadn't been thrown out -- how should a coach respond if they a) know thier players, Wendy and Lisa, are dating b) know that Wendy isn't out to her parents and c) get directly asked about whether Wendy and Lisa are dating by one of those parents? Is it better to out the kid or lie to the parents?

As a coach, you are assuming the role of a responsible adult for any players under the age of 18 when they are at your practices, games, tournaments, or whatever unless the parents are in the immediate vicinity. Lying to a parent to conceal any sort of activity or issue could and should lead to some MAJOR legal issues.

Anyone that would consider lying to the parents of one of their players to hide anything should not be coaching.
 
Jul 14, 2018
982
93
Reading through this thread, I'm just glad I manage a team of future nuns. Really takes the pressure off.

My next team will be the Slugging Noviciate Orphans of St. Mary’s Convent.

DD had teammates recently where one girl had an unrequited crush on another. Their friendship didn’t survive (they were best friends since kindergarten), but nothing ever spilled over onto the field.

They last played together in school ball during spring 2019 because of Covid, and I remember them walking off the field together after the last game. A bunch of the other girls were all excited: “Look! Suzie and Jane are talking!!” Bittersweet.

However, at one of the games, I was sitting in the stands with the parents of the high school athlete when the mother asked "I wonder why they call her Trey?" In that case I did not say a word...

If you didn’t spit your Perrier all over the stands, you’re a better man than I.

If you had been quicker on your toes, you could have said: ”Because she once turned an unassisted triple play.”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
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