DD - Internal Motivation

[batdragon]

My DD is currently is 9 yo and seems to love softball. The issue is I feel is that the reason she practices and tries to play well is due to her trying to make me happy. I have noticed after she gets a hit she will get on the base and look over to see my reaction. She seems to be externally motivated and trying to get my approval on everything. She is a daddys's girl.

She really doesn't practice on her own. When I was young I would practice by myself for hours, nearly every day. My son who is much younger (5 yrs old) is nearly entirely internally motivated. He is very competitive and plays soccer and when he scores goals he will not even glance in our (parents) direction. Both are very good at sports, it just seems my DD (9 yo) is externally motivated (ie. to make "parents" happy she gets a hit) & son (5 yo) is internally motivated (ie. to make "himself" happy he scores a goal).

So my questions are:

1) does this seem to be a common difference between young boys and girls ?
2) at what age do girls become internally motivated ?
3) how can I help my DD become more internally motivated ?

Also, another thing in sports, specifically baseball/softball, boys have so many MLB players they try to emulate. They see these players on TV daily. They understand that these MLB players make tons of money. They understand that if you are great at baseball you can play baseball for the rest of your life. These are external factors that motivate boys to practice.

Girls do not really have these external motivations in softball. Professional softball players do not make much money, they are not on TV and basically only play part time. Perhpas girls do not need this type of motivation as much as the boys, but I am sure it wouldn't hurt. I guess theirs not much you can do about it, but without these factors what are other ways to motivate girls.

Do I tell her the only the way to get to college and have a good life is get good grades and earn a scholarship ?

If she didn't get a scholarship, I would obviously pay for her college, but do I put it in her mind that she has to earn college through hard work...grades...& scholarship in something (ie. softball, basket weaving, music..etc.).

The big thing is that I feel if she is internally motivated, rather than externally motivated she is less likely to experience burn-out as she gets older. Which seems to happen around 14-15 (yo) from what I have heard.

Sorry for the rambling, just curious about other parents/experience with their own DDs motivation.

Thx,
BatDragon

 

[CoogansBluff]

Why do you want her to be more internally motivated? Just curious.

To answer your questions imo ...

1) does this seem to be a common difference between young boys and girls ? Don't know. I have only a girl.
2) at what age do girls become internally motivated ? For my daughter, she became more internally motivated when she started getting good at it. She was not naturally good at softball, but got better and better, and becoming one of the better players on her team and having more success seemed to motivate her. But she remains more motivated by having fun w/ her teammates than just the softball, which is fine w/ me.
3) how can I help my DD become more internally motivated ? I wouldn't worry about it at age 9. The important thing now is that she enjoys softball, imo, not how motivated she is to get better. For her to 'own' it, she has to really like it first. The best you can do is prevent her from being unmotivated. In other words, keep it fun. Keep the pressure off. There's nothing wrong w/ children wanting to please their parents - to a point. My daughter played for a while partly because it pleased me. That was probably the case when she was 9. Now, at age 13, it's her sport. One thing that I've done is to limit my reactions (both verbal and non-verbal) to what she does on the field. If I get excited when she does something well, then lack of excitement can be interpreted as displeasure. I don't want her worried about my judging everything she does, good or bad. Everything is good. Now, she has to really do something special or unusual before she looks at me during a game. Otherwise, she already knows what I think: All is good!

 

[SoftSocDad]

My DD is currently is 9 yo and seems to love softball. The issue is I feel is that the reason she practices and tries to play well is due to her trying to make me happy. I have noticed after she gets a hit she will get on the base and look over to see my reaction. She seems to be externally motivated and trying to get my approval on everything. She is a daddys's girl.

She really doesn't practice on her own. When I was young I would practice by myself for hours, nearly every day. My son who is much younger (5 yrs old) is nearly entirely internally motivated. He is very competitive and plays soccer and when he scores goals he will not even glance in our (parents) direction. Both are very good at sports, it just seems my DD (9 yo) is externally motivated (ie. to make "parents" happy she gets a hit) & son (5 yo) is internally motivated (ie. to make "himself" happy he scores a goal).

So my questions are:

1) does this seem to be a common difference between young boys and girls ?
2) at what age do girls become internally motivated ?
3) how can I help my DD become more internally motivated ?

Also, another thing in sports, specifically baseball/softball, boys have so many MLB players they try to emulate. They see these players on TV daily. They understand that these MLB players make tons of money. They understand that if you are great at baseball you can play baseball for the rest of your life. These are external factors that motivate boys to practice.

Girls do not really have these external motivations in softball. Professional softball players do not make much money, they are not on TV and basically only play part time. Perhpas girls do not need this type of motivation as much as the boys, but I am sure it wouldn't hurt. I guess theirs not much you can do about it, but without these factors what are other ways to motivate girls.

Do I tell her the only the way to get to college and have a good life is get good grades and earn a scholarship ?

If she didn't get a scholarship, I would obviously pay for her college, but do I put it in her mind that she has to earn college through hard work...grades...& scholarship in something (ie. softball, basket weaving, music..etc.).

The big thing is that I feel if she is internally motivated, rather than externally motivated she is less likely to experience burn-out as she gets older. Which seems to happen around 14-15 (yo) from what I have heard.

Sorry for the rambling, just curious about other parents/experience with their own DDs motivation.

Thx,
BatDragon

There's nothing at all unusual about a young girl wanting her parents' approval. I'm 40 and it still makes me happy when I please my parents. Not only is it normal, there's nothing wrong with it.

Be happy she looks for you at games. Enjoy it now, because soon enough, she won't even notice you're there at all. Your job is to be there for her and to keep it fun. As long as she's enjoying softball, she'll be fine.

 

[batdragon]

CoogansBluff thanks for your reply.... Well part of the reason I want her to be internally (instrinsic) motivated is that is much more powerful when working towards a goal than external motivations. Practice is more focused when someone is trying to improve a skill for themselves rather than someone or something else. A person who is internally motivated will go and work on a skill when nobody is watching. A person who is externally motivated relies on a coach/parents time to push them to focus.

The other reason is that my son and dd are both into activities and my son is getting older. I want to spend an even amount of time with them, working towards any goals or activities that they might have (ie. baseball, softball, going to movies .. horsing around etc.). My concern is that as I start getting more involved with my sons activities my DD will start to lose her motivation at something she is so good at such as SB.

Now, honestly she is awesome at Softball in my eyes. She bats cleanup for her 10u travel team. We were at one point ranked #1 in the state #5 nation according to one of the softball associations. We played and won the state tournament this year consisting of 20 teams in her bracket and she was the tournament MVP going 17-20, all shots to the outfield. Oh and our record this year was 50-2 which is ridiculous. ... sorry for the bragging.. just a little proud

So the point is she knows she is good and I believe knowing she is good is making her more internally motivated. Her teammates recognize her talent and I see her smile when they say something that flatters her. When she does something extraordinary and is recognized externally by peers/coaches/parents I remind her that all the hard work and practice that she has done is paying off. This my way of trying to link hard work/practice to those external motivators.

Oh well hopefully that answers your question... as Yogi says "The game is 90% mental and the other half is physical" ... ha.

 

[RichK]

There's nothing at all unusual about a young girl wanting her parents' approval. I'm 40 and it still makes me happy when I please my parents. Not only is it normal, there's nothing wrong with it.

Be happy she looks for you at games. Enjoy it now, because soon enough, she won't even notice you're there at all. Your job is to be there for her and to keep it fun. As long as she's enjoying softball, she'll be fine.

Yes, this. Enjoy the connection you have with her. There may come a time when she wants to be more independent. For now, YOUR job is to just be there for her, and don't force softball on her or live through her.

I've heard other parents say they ask their daughter each fall -- do you want to play softball again this year? Make it her choice, even though she is still SO young. Even that little decision will help her understand it's her life, her game.

But be ready if she tells you she's done with : <

 

[batdragon]

There's nothing at all unusual about a young girl wanting her parents' approval. I'm 40 and it still makes me happy when I please my parents. Not only is it normal, there's nothing wrong with it.

Be happy she looks for you at games. Enjoy it now, because soon enough, she won't even notice you're there at all. Your job is to be there for her and to keep it fun. As long as she's enjoying softball, she'll be fine.

Yes, I don't think their is anything wrong with it and honestly I like that she looks for my approval. I just noticed a major difference between my son & daughter in sports and how I was like my son in sports in regards to motivation. I do enjoy her looking for me now, I just don't want her motivation to be deflated because she looks for me and I am not there, because I am at my sons soccer game.

Just a dad trying to figure it out....

 

[batdragon]

Yes, this. Enjoy the connection you have with her. There may come a time when she wants to be more independent. For now, YOUR job is to just be there for her, and don't force softball on her or live through her.

I've heard other parents say they ask their daughter each fall -- do you want to play softball again this year? Make it her choice, even though she is still SO young. Even that little decision will help her understand it's her life, her game.

But be ready if she tells you she's done with : <

Yes, in our state we play year round... which in my mind is too much. So the season never ends. But I do ask her if she wants to take a break from softball for a while and try something else. She looks at me cross-eyed like I am crazy ... but my concern is that one day she will jump on that offer which would kill me.... but its her life and obviously I will support her in whatever goals she has. Your only good at what you like.

 

[JAD]

With all of the time/effort/money we have put into my DD and her softball career, she realizes this is a 'family effort', including her younger sister, who spends more weekends at the ballpark than at home.....and my DD looks to us for support/motivation whether she is up/down, playing great or struggling......

 

[02Crush]

I think it is natural for a daughter to look to a parent for confirmation of things or approval. I would say you should remind her that this is for her and as long as she enjoys playing you are good with whatever she does. The more you re-enforce that point and she grows in the sport she will look to you less and less as her confidence grows. This was hard for me. As a parent this is hard to let go but it is a sign she is developing her own confidence, identity in the sport and on her team. All good things.

I agree with CoogansBluff in that once a player starts to taste individual success (whatever that may be for them personally) you will see more motivation. My daughter is also one who is slowly coming into the sport. However she has seen more personal success in the past year and therefore I am seeing much more motivation and desire to succeed in her than ever before. Remember many leave the game between 12-14 in age. I would recommend focusing on supporting her in the journey based on where ever she is in the moment and not where you or others want her to be. By 12-14 so much changes with all theses players anyway.

 

[chinamigarden]

Its not a Boy, Girl thing. Every kid is different. I have coached boys who would do exactly what you describe and I have coached girls who have a ton of personal drive.

The question is, how do you act when she doesn't get a hit, or makes an error? Because she is looking at you for those reactions too. It could be what drives her to want to make you happy.